Denied Self Becomes Violent Self

While I have definitely had my say regarding my disdain for "gay-for-pay" actors, a new news item that has been brought to my attention thanks to Men Of Color Blog, has brought forth another reason to light as why studios should stay away from these guys.

I have admitted to being a fan of his, even considered him as a possible scene partner knowing he was "gay-for-pay", but when I heard that Nickolay Petrov was being charge with attempted murder, I started to realize that there seems to be a trend going on here. It seems that every gay porn actor that makes the headlines because of some act of violence is a "gay-for-pay" actor. Look at the other people I can use as evidence - Marcus Allen, Mark Dalton, and one of my very own past scene partners, Double R (from what I've heard) is in trouble with the law in a way that could put him away for a long time.

Now, I am in no way about imply that truly gay men don't have a violent streak. But you have to wonder, does the fact that these "gay-for-pay" actors denying their true selves contribute to the violent acts there are accused of. Are they taking violence as a way to show the manhood they fear losing if they admit that they're gay or bisexual? Or is the violence against someone else actually them using their victim(s) as a punching bag for how much they want to hit themselves for lying to themselves and the women in their lives about their sexual orientation?

I'm sure that is the reason for that violent streak because, I was once there myself. I admit to having a terrible temper, but before my realizing my sexual orientation and embracing it, I had a lot less control over it. In fact, I left my last job out of fear that my temper was going to get out of control, and I would become another news story of a disgruntled employee. Even though, I have a great deal to be angry with my present employers over that could put me in that same state of mind, since my sexual awakening, the thoughts to resort to a horrific degree of violence are under control. Why? Because my anger towards my former employers compounded with my anger towards myself for lying about who I really am gave me a need to release that self-inflicted inner-rage. Now, even though my present employers are assholes inept at being humane, with the anger gone due to my resolving the issue of my sexual orientation, my anger towards them is strictly towards them. And I never get angry enough towards them that it blinds me to the fact that no employer is worth me risking my life as a free member of society.

It has been theorized that gay-bashers attack gays out of self-loathing they feel because gays live the sex lives the gay-bashers have thought about even for a flash at one point or another, but feel guilty because of the environments the gay-bashers were raised in. And these "gay-for-pay" actors committing these acts of violence may be even worse, because compared to gay-bashers who usually attack total strangers, more of these "gay-for-pay" actors are attacking people who are a part of their life, be it business or personal. With that in mind, I believe that it is safe for me personally to theorize that their victim becomes a target when they in some way remind the "gay-for-pay" actor of his gay acts that he tries to bury because he's not on a gay porn set at that time.

Once again, I must address this to the studios hiring these guys, who as it seems that because of their denial of themselves are more capable of these violent acts than your already out and proud gay/bi man. Because of this potential for violence due to self-loathing, these guys are a risk to the image you should want to present. I am not saying that a truly gay/bi man is not capable of the same degree of violence, but when you are knowingly bring someone in denial of themselves into the fold, you create an almost 100% risk to creating a mentally unsafe environment for your truly gay actors. Remember my incident with Double R? These "gay-for-pay" guys bring their uneasy vibe from their self-denial with them, and since producers and directors aren't the ones topping or (even more uneasy) being a bottom with these guys, you don't know of what us actors have to mentally put ourselves through to deal with these guys. What would be even worse though would be if you didn't care.

At this point, I do not totally fault the porn studios for hiring these guys. There is a fascination with them as to how they call themselves straight yet fuck men. But now that I have presented this reality to myself, and passed it on to you, I hope this fascination is over for you as it is now over for me. With that being said, should this "gay-for-pay" trend continue, I will begin to hold studios responsible. These are obviously unstable people, more unstable than most, and allowing them into the fold of gay porn to deal with the demands of it will only increase their instability.