"When you don't have a leg to stand on, is trying to make a case out of something just some thing you and your people do, or is that just you."
Now, this statement is nothing new to me coming from the guys in the mailroom. They have said things to me in my 6 years of working at "K" that I could have filed a claim of defamation and/or harassment a long time ago.
Then you're probably asking, "Then why haven't you done it yet, and just waiting until now to consider doing something?"
I hope you understand this.
Most of these guys have that hip-hop mentality which is extreme on many wrong levels. Such as being very anti-gay with the words "fag" or "faggot" as a constant disrespectful reference (but not used directly at me), disrespectful to women with the word "bitch" used just to speak of women in general, as well as disrespectful to themselves with the word "nigga" to talk about themselves and each other.
With that mindset, you can't expect much. But I felt that while their usual way of life is to avoid gays, my coming out to them 3 years ago was a way for them to get an education as to how not all gays are whatever stereotype they believe in. For that statement to come out of the supervisor's mouth, it's clear that if he and my other co-workers haven't learned by now how to address me without making it as if everything I do is based on my sexuality, then they'll never learn. Furthermore, when a discussion of my sexuality comes up 99% of the time - they are the ones who bring it up. Not me.
On May 15th, I did bring the supervisor's poor conduct of that meeting and his bigoted remark to the attention of the manager. The manager's reply about the bigoted remark was not much to my liking. He seemed to try brushing it off and buttering me up by telling me how the supervisor has always had nothing but good things to say about me. My thoughts were (1) of course he does, because I do my job, and I do it phenomenally well AND (2) buttering up doesn't work on me because I don't share their void, so my ego has no need to be stroked especially by "K". Now, the manager never mentioned as to whether or not the supervisor would be spoken to about his remark like he would on his wrong conduct of that meeting. So that less than satisfactory response lead to another initial being revealed. In fact, I'll give you 3 because these initials are for a common term known by lawyers. So the firm will go from being referred to "K", to now being referred to as "KLLP".
I was deliberating as to whether or not to take this to Human Resources as well, but I decided to use Human Resources as my next step if such a thing happens again. And if Human Resources doesn't take some satisfactory action, them it will become a legal matter. With all that in mind, this blog may very well be serving as a my legal report, hence why the dates are so important to list.
I feel very empowered by taking just this small step in remedying this situation here. I always hoped it would never come near this, but lately the unprofessional-ism that goes along with that hip-hop mentality has become quite aggravating. It's a display that while I try my best to think of no one as being beneath me, their actions most definitely make them look that way. Therefore, a line must be drawn, and I'm starting to draw it here. If they don't know I'm drawing that line, then may the old adage of how "God takes care of fools and babies" be true because of the fools they are.
LeNair Xavier, unashamed of his porn past as "Tré Xavier", continues revealing his observations where he sees beneath the surface of all we've been told about sex, life & love.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
The K Files: Legal Report 5/8, 9
I've finally had enough.
After my brief stay in the hospital, I came back to my day job less tolerant of all the political b.s. that has been going on there. Now, the last time I went anywhere near giving out the name of the law firm I work at, I simply gave the 1st initial "K". Well, I have decided that with each transgression by "K", I will give more initials. Since the firm within the past year has severely become a revolving door of attorneys and staff thanks to an inept administrative department and managing partners, they should hope it doesn't come to the point where I run out of initials and give their full name.
My now lower intolerance to the b.s. included within my own department of the mailroom. To the point that I will be using my entries labeled "The K Files" as a record of the events should such situations I present to you go further up K's ladder to the Human Resources Department. And if it needs to proceed further to a legal situation - so be it.
On May 8th, we had what they termed as a "staff meeting". I put "staff meeting" in quotes because it was poorly conducted. One of the topics brought up was lateness, which I openly admit to being guilty of. The supervisor conducting the meeting said these exact words, "I'm not going to name any name. You know who you are."
This is where a part of the "poorly conducted meeting" reveals itself.
The supervisor proceeds to pull out of a folder attendance sheets of all the guilty parties, and calls them out by name. Now anyone with any real knowledge of business etiquette knows that lateness is not a staff meeting issue, but an individual one and is supposed to be addressed with that individual in private. Which it was might I add, about 2 weeks before this meeting.
I brought this to the supervisor's attention stating that some of my co-workers' time was wasted. He immediately verbally attacked me, acting as if I was trying to hide the matter of my lateness. Why would I? I know it. They know it, because I'm honest enough to write down the time I walk in - YES, write in because we don't use time-clocks. And the busy-bodies who act like the very women and fags they talk down about know it by looking at other people's time. So why hide it?
My concern was not about me. Few people have my "say what you want about me, if it's true I don't give an fuck" attitude. My concern was for those who don't have that attitude. Those whose faith in their supervisors was trampled by the poor handling of that meeting. Enough of that has gone on, hence the revolving door of attorneys and staff. But since we now live in a time where people are so busy looking out for #1 that they're full of #2, the supervisor was unable to grasp why I was making that stand.
On the following day, May 9th, the supervisor made a statement to me that was improper whether it was said in private, or in front of most of the mailroom staff as it was. He said to me referring to the meeting of the previous day, "When you don't have a leg to stand on, is trying to make a case out of something just some thing you and your people do, or is that just you?"
Now, when I told my mom and friends about that statement, they all asked the same question. "What is 'you and your people'? Is that Black people, gay people, what?
And my clue to the answer is still the same - the supervisor is Black himself.
That's enough for today. But I will conclude this tomorrow in Legal Report 5/9, 15 with matters that have led to that, and the action I took and I may take after that statement.
After my brief stay in the hospital, I came back to my day job less tolerant of all the political b.s. that has been going on there. Now, the last time I went anywhere near giving out the name of the law firm I work at, I simply gave the 1st initial "K". Well, I have decided that with each transgression by "K", I will give more initials. Since the firm within the past year has severely become a revolving door of attorneys and staff thanks to an inept administrative department and managing partners, they should hope it doesn't come to the point where I run out of initials and give their full name.
My now lower intolerance to the b.s. included within my own department of the mailroom. To the point that I will be using my entries labeled "The K Files" as a record of the events should such situations I present to you go further up K's ladder to the Human Resources Department. And if it needs to proceed further to a legal situation - so be it.
On May 8th, we had what they termed as a "staff meeting". I put "staff meeting" in quotes because it was poorly conducted. One of the topics brought up was lateness, which I openly admit to being guilty of. The supervisor conducting the meeting said these exact words, "I'm not going to name any name. You know who you are."
This is where a part of the "poorly conducted meeting" reveals itself.
The supervisor proceeds to pull out of a folder attendance sheets of all the guilty parties, and calls them out by name. Now anyone with any real knowledge of business etiquette knows that lateness is not a staff meeting issue, but an individual one and is supposed to be addressed with that individual in private. Which it was might I add, about 2 weeks before this meeting.
I brought this to the supervisor's attention stating that some of my co-workers' time was wasted. He immediately verbally attacked me, acting as if I was trying to hide the matter of my lateness. Why would I? I know it. They know it, because I'm honest enough to write down the time I walk in - YES, write in because we don't use time-clocks. And the busy-bodies who act like the very women and fags they talk down about know it by looking at other people's time. So why hide it?
My concern was not about me. Few people have my "say what you want about me, if it's true I don't give an fuck" attitude. My concern was for those who don't have that attitude. Those whose faith in their supervisors was trampled by the poor handling of that meeting. Enough of that has gone on, hence the revolving door of attorneys and staff. But since we now live in a time where people are so busy looking out for #1 that they're full of #2, the supervisor was unable to grasp why I was making that stand.
On the following day, May 9th, the supervisor made a statement to me that was improper whether it was said in private, or in front of most of the mailroom staff as it was. He said to me referring to the meeting of the previous day, "When you don't have a leg to stand on, is trying to make a case out of something just some thing you and your people do, or is that just you?"
Now, when I told my mom and friends about that statement, they all asked the same question. "What is 'you and your people'? Is that Black people, gay people, what?
And my clue to the answer is still the same - the supervisor is Black himself.
That's enough for today. But I will conclude this tomorrow in Legal Report 5/9, 15 with matters that have led to that, and the action I took and I may take after that statement.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I Walked The Walk In 2008
I did it again, and I couldn't be happier.
I did the AIDS Walk again this year, and became a part of a record-breaking event. As reports have shown thus far, this year with 45,000 walkers, the AIDS Walk NY raised a record total of $7,058,497. Many reports found this to be somewhat mind-blowing because of the tough financial times we're living in. I find it mind-blowing as well, but not for that reason.
The reason I find it mind-blowing is because we seem to live in a time where people are so busy looking out for #1 that they are full of #2. That may seem like a cynical statement, but I'm sure with us now being back to our day to day lives, that is the behavior we are seeing. Well, it was good to see that for 1 day so many people came together putting their usual petty prejudices aside all for the sake of a common goal. A goal that they know is way bigger than their single selves, therefore needs not just our individual attention, BUT our united attention.
This year I was a member of Team Showgirls. Just like last year when I walked with the AIDS Service Center NYC, I knew absolutely no one on the team, but I felt extremely welcomed by all. So since I always try to give credit where credit is due, I definitely have to say THANKS to the entire team for making me feel welcome.
And without a doubt, I have to give a big THANKS to our team leader, Michael for posting his bulletin on DList.com , and extending his invitation to me to be a part of Team Showgirls. Since becoming a part of Will Clark's events like Porno Bingo and The Bad Boys On The Hudson Sea Tea(July 20th), I've seen some organizations show themselves to be the biggest hypocrites, and act as if they want nothing to do with porn or porn actors. Remember the statement, "Doth the lady protest too much?" It is most likely because they probably have a porn collection that they need an area the size of the Batcave to store it, and a secret passageway to get to it.
Thankfully, Michael could care less, and I never told any of the team members until some of us were hanging out after The AIDS Walk. After all, I wasn't trying to draw a bunch of attention to myself. In fact, I was trying to be my usual quiet and low-key self when in the presence of new people so I could study them and find out the right way to interact with them individually.
Still giving out credit, while most of the males on our team were gay, we did have a couple who were straight, and the homophobic ghetto trash (blog explaining to soon follow) that I work with on my day job could learn a lot from them . A clear example of what I mean is that after the AIDS Walk, we went to eat at Vynl. While saying our goodbyes, one of the straight guys actually hugged everyone -male and female, instead of just shaking hands. That's a security in oneself that many homophobes can learn from, and an action that many hetero-phobic militant gays need to take heed of to get over the "gay vs. straights" war they want to propagate.
I obviously had fun, because I wouldn't have hung with these guys until late in the afternoon otherwise. Needless to say I was exhausted, but the adrenaline kick I was getting from the day didn't make me aware of it until after watching the season finale of "Desperate Housewives".
I know! I know! How gay can I get, right? Well, after watching that, then I knocked out.
I told one of the other walkers about the long flight of stairs at the World Trade Center PATH Station that I jog up Monday through Friday to get to work, and how that AIDS Walk was going to make me for once use the escalator. Would you believe Monday morning I flew up those stairs like no kind of extremely long walking took place the day before?
Maybe I got enough rest. Maybe it was another adrenaline kick from feeling a sense of accomplishment. Whatever it was, I felt good, and I hope to feel it again. So maybe next year.....
I did the AIDS Walk again this year, and became a part of a record-breaking event. As reports have shown thus far, this year with 45,000 walkers, the AIDS Walk NY raised a record total of $7,058,497. Many reports found this to be somewhat mind-blowing because of the tough financial times we're living in. I find it mind-blowing as well, but not for that reason.
The reason I find it mind-blowing is because we seem to live in a time where people are so busy looking out for #1 that they are full of #2. That may seem like a cynical statement, but I'm sure with us now being back to our day to day lives, that is the behavior we are seeing. Well, it was good to see that for 1 day so many people came together putting their usual petty prejudices aside all for the sake of a common goal. A goal that they know is way bigger than their single selves, therefore needs not just our individual attention, BUT our united attention.
This year I was a member of Team Showgirls. Just like last year when I walked with the AIDS Service Center NYC, I knew absolutely no one on the team, but I felt extremely welcomed by all. So since I always try to give credit where credit is due, I definitely have to say THANKS to the entire team for making me feel welcome.
And without a doubt, I have to give a big THANKS to our team leader, Michael for posting his bulletin on DList.com , and extending his invitation to me to be a part of Team Showgirls. Since becoming a part of Will Clark's events like Porno Bingo and The Bad Boys On The Hudson Sea Tea(July 20th), I've seen some organizations show themselves to be the biggest hypocrites, and act as if they want nothing to do with porn or porn actors. Remember the statement, "Doth the lady protest too much?" It is most likely because they probably have a porn collection that they need an area the size of the Batcave to store it, and a secret passageway to get to it.
Thankfully, Michael could care less, and I never told any of the team members until some of us were hanging out after The AIDS Walk. After all, I wasn't trying to draw a bunch of attention to myself. In fact, I was trying to be my usual quiet and low-key self when in the presence of new people so I could study them and find out the right way to interact with them individually.
Still giving out credit, while most of the males on our team were gay, we did have a couple who were straight, and the homophobic ghetto trash (blog explaining to soon follow) that I work with on my day job could learn a lot from them . A clear example of what I mean is that after the AIDS Walk, we went to eat at Vynl. While saying our goodbyes, one of the straight guys actually hugged everyone -male and female, instead of just shaking hands. That's a security in oneself that many homophobes can learn from, and an action that many hetero-phobic militant gays need to take heed of to get over the "gay vs. straights" war they want to propagate.
I obviously had fun, because I wouldn't have hung with these guys until late in the afternoon otherwise. Needless to say I was exhausted, but the adrenaline kick I was getting from the day didn't make me aware of it until after watching the season finale of "Desperate Housewives".
I know! I know! How gay can I get, right? Well, after watching that, then I knocked out.
I told one of the other walkers about the long flight of stairs at the World Trade Center PATH Station that I jog up Monday through Friday to get to work, and how that AIDS Walk was going to make me for once use the escalator. Would you believe Monday morning I flew up those stairs like no kind of extremely long walking took place the day before?
Maybe I got enough rest. Maybe it was another adrenaline kick from feeling a sense of accomplishment. Whatever it was, I felt good, and I hope to feel it again. So maybe next year.....
Monday, May 19, 2008
Atlantic City - BIG TIME Standouts
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008
This Heart....One Of The Driven
Throughout history, anyone who takes a stand for what's right has been confronted with people who out of sheer envy, want to bring them down to being the lazy bystander that they are, or shut them up because by them taking that stand, one's dark-hearted motives can't prevail. This is how a great deal of my life has been, especially in recent years in the porn industry, as well as on my day job where you might think being something as simple as a Mail Clerk, I wouldn't have that issue.
And I am sure I am not alone. So for all those fighters for right out there. This poem is for you.
Keep fighting, and being one of the driven.
This Heart....One Of The Driven
Unable to handle the reality
The power that is me
My inner light burns and melts your eyes
Now your eyes are bloody rivers running down your face
The ugliness of envy and its disgrace
The saddest part is that doesn't have to be
I'll never claim to be perfection
Although I'll always try to come close
You damn yourself with your misconceptions
Making yourself a show of shows
Quick to name call someone "fag"
Yet you play bobble-head doll to the max
Hey, where's your voice when we need your noise?!
Leaving me, "the fag" to challenge the fools in charge
While you be the ghetto trash at large
Check your pants, I think your cowardice has shrunk your 2 boys
What is the purpose of your breathing
If it's just to be nigger-style wild
And what's the good of you producing children
If they're taught to repeat your jellyfish style
So many losing faith
So many losing their drive
And look at me in awe as I stand with pride
Don't be disillusioned, I had no easy climb
But since you're old enough to know envy's seed
Does no good in you or me
Yet you've let it plant in your soul
So my compassion has lost its hold
That's why I say -
You're so miserable
You're so pitiful
If you weren't such a sad tale
You would be laughable
You yearn to drag me down
To wear your inner-frown
Well, listen to how this heart pounds
As it shows how one of the driven sounds
©2008
And I am sure I am not alone. So for all those fighters for right out there. This poem is for you.
Keep fighting, and being one of the driven.
This Heart....One Of The Driven
Unable to handle the reality
The power that is me
My inner light burns and melts your eyes
Now your eyes are bloody rivers running down your face
The ugliness of envy and its disgrace
The saddest part is that doesn't have to be
I'll never claim to be perfection
Although I'll always try to come close
You damn yourself with your misconceptions
Making yourself a show of shows
Quick to name call someone "fag"
Yet you play bobble-head doll to the max
Hey, where's your voice when we need your noise?!
Leaving me, "the fag" to challenge the fools in charge
While you be the ghetto trash at large
Check your pants, I think your cowardice has shrunk your 2 boys
What is the purpose of your breathing
If it's just to be nigger-style wild
And what's the good of you producing children
If they're taught to repeat your jellyfish style
So many losing faith
So many losing their drive
And look at me in awe as I stand with pride
Don't be disillusioned, I had no easy climb
But since you're old enough to know envy's seed
Does no good in you or me
Yet you've let it plant in your soul
So my compassion has lost its hold
That's why I say -
You're so miserable
You're so pitiful
If you weren't such a sad tale
You would be laughable
You yearn to drag me down
To wear your inner-frown
Well, listen to how this heart pounds
As it shows how one of the driven sounds
©2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Shhhh....It's A Small Community
Within the past year, I've discovered that there is a moronic and spineless rule that it seems many follow in the gay porn industry.That rule being that since the gay porn community is a small community, if you're an actor with a gripe with someone, you don't publicly speak ill of them by naming names.
Such a thing was suggested of me when I told a friend I was going to blog about Tyson Cane's unprofessional behavior. For that same reason, some people came to me in shock because I wrote about Pierre Fitch's (a.k.a. Pierre Bitch's) racist tirade. And another friend's response to me addressing Michael Lucas' ego trip by him or his (at least at the time) revolving door of casting directors calling me into his offices 4 times over a 2 year span to no avail was, "You shouldn't alienate possible future employers."
My response was, "Hello! What part of '4 times in 2 years' do you not understand that you can't compute working for Michael Lucas is not going to happen?! "
I would like to know why does my naming names in these situations seem so odd. I could see if I have something to gain that's worthy of pride from association with any of them even though that is the kind of behavior they exhibit. But since that is not the case, I don't see the reason for the jaw-dropping because I'm not burning any necessary bridges. After all, this is the porn industry. Unless you have a mental defect, you will not find it a life or death need to be in it.
This worries me because I believe it is a clear sign of the weak-mindedness and conformity that is plaguing not just the gay porn community, but our society as a whole. In any industry, the reason racism, ego trips, and overall unprofessional behavior prevail is because so many weak people allow it to prevail by not speaking of its existence. Thereby making themselves nowhere near being part of the solution, but instead a HUGE part of the problem. We all should be in workplaces that if the plagues of racism and ego trips exist to a massive degree, then steps should be taken to have them eradicated. And the start of that eradication is by putting the word out of its existence and make it heard loud and clear that it is not worthy of tolerance. Loud and clear to the point that it breaks down the wall put up by those who are either guilty and/or in denial.
This is the reason I speak out on these issues. I feel the reason I stand alone in stating how I feel is because being that what is considered "mainstream porn" is dominated by Whites, they benefit from the racism, and due to a lack of humanity by way of selfishness, they won't publicly consider other races their brother in humanity and take a stand on their behalf. Plus, most actors of color don't have the support I have of fellow bloggers like Victor Hoff of Men Of Color Blog and Ka-os to make their feelings known and help that knowledge spread.
Another reason I speak out on these issues, and am greatly disappointed by many who are in the position of speaking out and get well-received is because if no one says anything, changes don't take place. At no point in history has change come about by people just saying "Shhhh! Don't say anything is wrong".
If people lived by that mindset during slavery times, slavery would have never been abolished, the Civil Rights movement would have never taken place, and the movement for gays to be treated the same as straights would not have come as far as it has. This makes gays out to be hypocrites, because even while the gay community as a whole is considered small, so many within it are quick to shout how they want the right to marry, yet when it's time for that same small community to take a stand against racism, I find myself surrounded by a bunch of spineless beings who earn the derogatory term for gay men, "faggots".
So we need to open our mouths calling out the culprits who display racism, ego trips, and etc. not just for the sake of bettering the porn industry, but for the sake of bettering ourselves as human beings. And that goes for you, no matter what ethnicity, orientation, gender, or age you may be. I'll close by reiterating in saying - these plagues need to be eradicated - NOW!
Such a thing was suggested of me when I told a friend I was going to blog about Tyson Cane's unprofessional behavior. For that same reason, some people came to me in shock because I wrote about Pierre Fitch's (a.k.a. Pierre Bitch's) racist tirade. And another friend's response to me addressing Michael Lucas' ego trip by him or his (at least at the time) revolving door of casting directors calling me into his offices 4 times over a 2 year span to no avail was, "You shouldn't alienate possible future employers."
My response was, "Hello! What part of '4 times in 2 years' do you not understand that you can't compute working for Michael Lucas is not going to happen?! "
I would like to know why does my naming names in these situations seem so odd. I could see if I have something to gain that's worthy of pride from association with any of them even though that is the kind of behavior they exhibit. But since that is not the case, I don't see the reason for the jaw-dropping because I'm not burning any necessary bridges. After all, this is the porn industry. Unless you have a mental defect, you will not find it a life or death need to be in it.
This worries me because I believe it is a clear sign of the weak-mindedness and conformity that is plaguing not just the gay porn community, but our society as a whole. In any industry, the reason racism, ego trips, and overall unprofessional behavior prevail is because so many weak people allow it to prevail by not speaking of its existence. Thereby making themselves nowhere near being part of the solution, but instead a HUGE part of the problem. We all should be in workplaces that if the plagues of racism and ego trips exist to a massive degree, then steps should be taken to have them eradicated. And the start of that eradication is by putting the word out of its existence and make it heard loud and clear that it is not worthy of tolerance. Loud and clear to the point that it breaks down the wall put up by those who are either guilty and/or in denial.
This is the reason I speak out on these issues. I feel the reason I stand alone in stating how I feel is because being that what is considered "mainstream porn" is dominated by Whites, they benefit from the racism, and due to a lack of humanity by way of selfishness, they won't publicly consider other races their brother in humanity and take a stand on their behalf. Plus, most actors of color don't have the support I have of fellow bloggers like Victor Hoff of Men Of Color Blog and Ka-os to make their feelings known and help that knowledge spread.
Another reason I speak out on these issues, and am greatly disappointed by many who are in the position of speaking out and get well-received is because if no one says anything, changes don't take place. At no point in history has change come about by people just saying "Shhhh! Don't say anything is wrong".
If people lived by that mindset during slavery times, slavery would have never been abolished, the Civil Rights movement would have never taken place, and the movement for gays to be treated the same as straights would not have come as far as it has. This makes gays out to be hypocrites, because even while the gay community as a whole is considered small, so many within it are quick to shout how they want the right to marry, yet when it's time for that same small community to take a stand against racism, I find myself surrounded by a bunch of spineless beings who earn the derogatory term for gay men, "faggots".
So we need to open our mouths calling out the culprits who display racism, ego trips, and etc. not just for the sake of bettering the porn industry, but for the sake of bettering ourselves as human beings. And that goes for you, no matter what ethnicity, orientation, gender, or age you may be. I'll close by reiterating in saying - these plagues need to be eradicated - NOW!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Atlantic City , Here I Cum!
It may surprise you to learn that I have never been that far out of New York. I thought I would start traveling by way of working for studios out in California, but no one's been man enough to call except Doug Jeffries' people, and the timing was off for me. So I'm still a Northern East Coast dweller who grew up in Brooklyn, now live in Jersey City, and have never went away for a vacation. Well, I'm finally taking a step further out of the secure boundaries of the tri-state area -
- because I'm going to on Daniel Nardicio's Atlantic City Road Trip this weekend.
It may be in the state I reside for now, New Jersey, but it's far south within New Jersey that it's quite a travel for me to make for an overnight outing.
And I know - it's about damn time.
But hey, cut me some slack. I grew up a lower middle household where due to poor finances, traveling wasn't an option. When I told my friend Anthony my plans, he was in shock. He said that it was a big step for me. And he's right, it is a big step. A big step that I see as another move towards the life I always wanted, but due to conformity was never able to have.
Now, this is a trip with Daniel Nardicio, so no doubt I'll see some kind of kinky hijinks. Question is will I become a part of some kinky hijinks. I most likely will, but I don't know if I'll be willing to tell. Because I may treat Atlantic City with the same rules they have for the West's famous gambling town, Las Vegas - whatever happens in A.C., stays in A.C.
So - do you wanna come along?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
New Lessons After The 3 - Conclusion
Today, I was deliberating with myself about writing this conclusion, and just leaving Part 1 as is. Especially with my friend, Ben Marksman adding to the voice in my head telling me to move on. Then I remembered a keyword in the title - "Lessons". So I'm concluding this entry to display the lessons I learned from my mistake in judgement, and tell specifically what brought those lessons forth. Although I have already moved on, I feel by writing this and displaying my humanity to make flawed decisions, plus knowing someone somewhere may be learning from it makes me move on with even more strength than if I didn't write this.
While I said that I respect his feelings to a point, there were things he said when I tried to expressed my honest feelings about his decision in a mature manner that I don't respect at all, because they were expressed by him in a patronizing manner.
1)The fact that he never took into consideration what my stand on involving myself with someone who may not be OK with my being in the adult industry. To refresh some memories and reveal for the 1st time to others, my rule is that I'll do work in front of the camera until either I get tired or I find someone who I get deeply involved enough that when the time comes for us to decide on making a commitment, then Tre Xavier has left the building. Maybe he was hurt in his past, and doesn't want to take that risk. I understand that as well. But it doesn't help in him painting himself as if he did nothing wrong when -
2)he looks as his having an in-depth conversation like it's nothing. I have in-depth conversations with a trick or fuck-buddy, but I don't get that in-depth before the 1st lay or after, and to specify what I mean by "that in depth" would mean betraying confidences. It makes sure that the signals don't get crossed, and doing it any other way sets the ground work for misunderstandings like this and greater. And he doesn't seem to get that, and maybe that is in great part to #3. But to finish this thought, I never got that in-depth with the Jersey Boys, and we fooled around for almost an entire year. So his behavior comes off as hypocritical, because he may not want to date a sex worker, yet he exhibits behavior with people that are indicative of a sex worker, namely that of escort to client. I guess this is a case where you can take the boy out of the escorting business, but you can't take the escorting business out of the boy.
3) I before said that I was not going to involve myself with someone who does drugs, even for 1 night. And with this guy, I was willing to put that stand aside even though he wouldn't put his stand aside of dating a sex worker. That's not the part that pissed me off, since putting my stand aside was my call. What pissed me off royally is for him to say he did nothing wrong, yet he reveals to me that if he wasn't high on Ecstasy that he would have kept me at arm's length. Believe it or not, I would have preferred exchanging numbers and having our in-depth conversations minus the sex. But once again, one's cowardice to deal with their life making them use drugs fucks up what could have been a good memory. Instead he has now made himself another drugged-up mistake coming at the expense of my time. I would like to know how long is it going to take to meet someone man enough to get high on life, love, and sex drug-free for 1 night, but even better lifelong. I admit to having done drugs, and I actually did do it that night. Because after more than 6 months since I so much as smoked a joint, it was me once again using myself as a guinea pig to try and find out what the fuck is the draw to getting high when you're getting laid. I say enjoy what you're doing, and stop escaping from it for whatever reason while you're doing it. If you can't take pride in why you're doing it, then don't do it. Anything else is a chicken shit's approach, and I have no respect for it. And this experience has given me even less tolerance for doped up tricks. To the point that I am most likely going to stick more firmly to my ground on this.
What made this most enraging was the fuck-faced audacity of him to come at me psychoanalyzing me without knowing me. I admit that I myself do psychoanalyze people here on this blog, but it is not without knowing the person well enough that I can responsibly voice my findings. This person took no such time to make any kind of analysis of me. Therefore, the proper thing for him to do with me is to SHUT THE FUCK UP, WATCH, AND LEARN! Therefore afterwards he can responsibly make an assessment of who I am.
If that wasn't enraging enough for its intrusiveness, his constant use of the word "darling" was such a stereotypical condescending fag tone I wanted to dig in him from skin to flesh until I got to his voice box so I could rip it out. And you may recall how much I hate stereotypical people of any race, sexual orientation, etc. Now primal and uncivilized as that may sound, don't lie to me or yourself that you have not come across some brand of ignorance that you thought of doing something just as horrific. - maybe even worse. Luckily, as a sane human being, that is only a sadistic fantasy that I'm using my craft of writing to vent the frustration that would make it a reality. Maybe I have some leftover anger over "Blogging=Narcissism"? that has now compounded with this latest drama. A drama that I am now moving on from, because I live a life that deserves, thereby rightly demands so much better.
I wish this guy well in maturing to where he can make the same claim.
While I said that I respect his feelings to a point, there were things he said when I tried to expressed my honest feelings about his decision in a mature manner that I don't respect at all, because they were expressed by him in a patronizing manner.
1)The fact that he never took into consideration what my stand on involving myself with someone who may not be OK with my being in the adult industry. To refresh some memories and reveal for the 1st time to others, my rule is that I'll do work in front of the camera until either I get tired or I find someone who I get deeply involved enough that when the time comes for us to decide on making a commitment, then Tre Xavier has left the building. Maybe he was hurt in his past, and doesn't want to take that risk. I understand that as well. But it doesn't help in him painting himself as if he did nothing wrong when -
2)he looks as his having an in-depth conversation like it's nothing. I have in-depth conversations with a trick or fuck-buddy, but I don't get that in-depth before the 1st lay or after, and to specify what I mean by "that in depth" would mean betraying confidences. It makes sure that the signals don't get crossed, and doing it any other way sets the ground work for misunderstandings like this and greater. And he doesn't seem to get that, and maybe that is in great part to #3. But to finish this thought, I never got that in-depth with the Jersey Boys, and we fooled around for almost an entire year. So his behavior comes off as hypocritical, because he may not want to date a sex worker, yet he exhibits behavior with people that are indicative of a sex worker, namely that of escort to client. I guess this is a case where you can take the boy out of the escorting business, but you can't take the escorting business out of the boy.
3) I before said that I was not going to involve myself with someone who does drugs, even for 1 night. And with this guy, I was willing to put that stand aside even though he wouldn't put his stand aside of dating a sex worker. That's not the part that pissed me off, since putting my stand aside was my call. What pissed me off royally is for him to say he did nothing wrong, yet he reveals to me that if he wasn't high on Ecstasy that he would have kept me at arm's length. Believe it or not, I would have preferred exchanging numbers and having our in-depth conversations minus the sex. But once again, one's cowardice to deal with their life making them use drugs fucks up what could have been a good memory. Instead he has now made himself another drugged-up mistake coming at the expense of my time. I would like to know how long is it going to take to meet someone man enough to get high on life, love, and sex drug-free for 1 night, but even better lifelong. I admit to having done drugs, and I actually did do it that night. Because after more than 6 months since I so much as smoked a joint, it was me once again using myself as a guinea pig to try and find out what the fuck is the draw to getting high when you're getting laid. I say enjoy what you're doing, and stop escaping from it for whatever reason while you're doing it. If you can't take pride in why you're doing it, then don't do it. Anything else is a chicken shit's approach, and I have no respect for it. And this experience has given me even less tolerance for doped up tricks. To the point that I am most likely going to stick more firmly to my ground on this.
What made this most enraging was the fuck-faced audacity of him to come at me psychoanalyzing me without knowing me. I admit that I myself do psychoanalyze people here on this blog, but it is not without knowing the person well enough that I can responsibly voice my findings. This person took no such time to make any kind of analysis of me. Therefore, the proper thing for him to do with me is to SHUT THE FUCK UP, WATCH, AND LEARN! Therefore afterwards he can responsibly make an assessment of who I am.
If that wasn't enraging enough for its intrusiveness, his constant use of the word "darling" was such a stereotypical condescending fag tone I wanted to dig in him from skin to flesh until I got to his voice box so I could rip it out. And you may recall how much I hate stereotypical people of any race, sexual orientation, etc. Now primal and uncivilized as that may sound, don't lie to me or yourself that you have not come across some brand of ignorance that you thought of doing something just as horrific. - maybe even worse. Luckily, as a sane human being, that is only a sadistic fantasy that I'm using my craft of writing to vent the frustration that would make it a reality. Maybe I have some leftover anger over "Blogging=Narcissism"? that has now compounded with this latest drama. A drama that I am now moving on from, because I live a life that deserves, thereby rightly demands so much better.
I wish this guy well in maturing to where he can make the same claim.
Friday, May 2, 2008
New Lessons After The 3 - Part 1
In my post "3 Lessons For The Price Of 1", you might remember me mentioning the guy I was with that night. Well, after he took my phone number and a couple of in-depth conversations later, I left myself open to the possibility of things going further. He however, says he doesn't want to date a sex worker. I can respect that to a point coming from him.
I say "to a point" because it is a bit narrow-minded. His decision would not have disturbed me at all had he been some corporate professional with no past whatsoever in the adult industry. But that is not the case with him. Instead he has a past as both a go-go boy and an escort, which makes him a hypocrite as well. He should understand and practice that an individual should not be defined by their profession. Instead, unless one is something like a drug-dealer or assassin (paging Nickolay Petrov), we should allow the individual to give definition to the profession. That is what I tried to do with myself when I entered this business. Therefore, if he really took the time to realize who I am as an individual, he would realize I am someone in the adult industry that CANNOT by any means be generalized. The reasons I got in this industry, and the grounds on which I plan on exiting are not common by any means. And because of his past, he of all people should be first and foremost in taking note of one's individuality.
I do practice what I preach. While I have often stated a disdain for corporate America in general, that should by no means imply that I wouldn't give a man in the corporate world a chance. I have, and the reason it didn't work out had nothing to do with the things about Corporate America that I don't like. Which clearly shows there may be something about that individual that is so far from the general perception of a profession, that to pass them over may have me missing out on something great.
This may be where my Aries arrogance comes into play, but I feel that when I let someone into my space, to even give them the time of day, it's because they have an inner-light that I want to spend time in. The problem has been too often, (do I need to name names from past entries) that while we all have flaws, those people (such as this one) wind up exiled from my life because instead of their inner-light outshining the darkness of their flaws, the darkness of their flaws begins to eclipse their inner-light.
So while I said that I respect his feelings to a point, there were things he said when I tried to express my feelings (that I have every right to) about his decision in a mature manner that I don't respect at all, because they were expressed by him in a patronizing manner. A flawed manner that eclipsed whatever inner-light I initially saw in him that made me give him the time of day.
But you'll have to check back to get those details.
I say "to a point" because it is a bit narrow-minded. His decision would not have disturbed me at all had he been some corporate professional with no past whatsoever in the adult industry. But that is not the case with him. Instead he has a past as both a go-go boy and an escort, which makes him a hypocrite as well. He should understand and practice that an individual should not be defined by their profession. Instead, unless one is something like a drug-dealer or assassin (paging Nickolay Petrov), we should allow the individual to give definition to the profession. That is what I tried to do with myself when I entered this business. Therefore, if he really took the time to realize who I am as an individual, he would realize I am someone in the adult industry that CANNOT by any means be generalized. The reasons I got in this industry, and the grounds on which I plan on exiting are not common by any means. And because of his past, he of all people should be first and foremost in taking note of one's individuality.
I do practice what I preach. While I have often stated a disdain for corporate America in general, that should by no means imply that I wouldn't give a man in the corporate world a chance. I have, and the reason it didn't work out had nothing to do with the things about Corporate America that I don't like. Which clearly shows there may be something about that individual that is so far from the general perception of a profession, that to pass them over may have me missing out on something great.
This may be where my Aries arrogance comes into play, but I feel that when I let someone into my space, to even give them the time of day, it's because they have an inner-light that I want to spend time in. The problem has been too often, (do I need to name names from past entries) that while we all have flaws, those people (such as this one) wind up exiled from my life because instead of their inner-light outshining the darkness of their flaws, the darkness of their flaws begins to eclipse their inner-light.
So while I said that I respect his feelings to a point, there were things he said when I tried to express my feelings (that I have every right to) about his decision in a mature manner that I don't respect at all, because they were expressed by him in a patronizing manner. A flawed manner that eclipsed whatever inner-light I initially saw in him that made me give him the time of day.
But you'll have to check back to get those details.
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