As this day being 1 week before the 7th anniversary of my sexual awakening was approaching, I had a sad realization. I've noticed recently that I've seem to have outgrown some of the people who I met during those early years since my sexual awakening.
I believe what has happened is that at the time I met them, I was at a point where my identity or more specifically my place in the LGBT community wasn't set in my heart, mind, and soul to the point of me being self-assured. Now it is, and I seem to be constantly clashing over viewpoints with a couple of people.
While debating occasionally may be healthy for a relationship, IT IS NOT HEALTHY when it is constant, or when it insults a friend's known high degree of integrity.
The friend I had from work has become one of them such people. In recent months, when I stop by his office to have a chat with him, updating him on me, and find out about him, it seems we always end up in a debate that comes very close to being heated. You see, he is one of those gay men I have referred to in the past as "militant gays". He makes his being gay so much more beyond being just one's sexual preference. So much so the time a couple of years ago when he left the office Christmas party so soon after arriving because he "can't be around straight people too long". Or his disbelief in my self-proclaimed predominately gay bisexuality. Yet I can easily in detail recall how I once enjoyed the warmth of a woman's pussy wrapped around my cock, and being ready, willing , and able to do it again. So I'm forced to counter-attack his igonrance with the fact that while he's being so close-minded thinking there's no such thing as a bisexual, that there's plenty of right-wing conservatives preaching how there's no such thing as his homosexual self. I've had that argument enough on this blog. To be my friend, your thought process should be of both an open-mind and fact-oriented. This friend is not showing that.
He started working on my job after I had been there for about a year and a half, and I had only had my sexual awakening a month and a half before I started working there as a temp. So I did come to realize my sexual orientation when he came into my life. But I hadn't come to realize my exact place within the LGBT community. But what I am seeing now is that my identity in regards to the latter is now more solidified, and those personal standards that shape my identity, conflict greatly with his.
Am I sorry about this? Not at all, because I am proud of who and what I am, and the open-mindedness that I possess, but he's lacking. His mindset holds back the progress of straights, gays, and bisexuals coming together in situations that have nothing to do with as personal an issue as sexual preference, yet many let that hold us back from that progression anyway.
Another situation where I have outgrown someone's presence is within the industry. Once I got into the adult industry, I started my website, then felt the need to add a blog. Since I was a child, I have been complimented on my talent for writing, and I've mostly been writing songs and poetry since graduating from high school. Without realizing it, my starting my blog for my website gave me the chance to better my skills for writing essays on various subject matters. And my involvement with this person started not too long since entering the industry. So my identity is that respect had also not been grounded as it is now.
I believe that because of that now-grounded identity, I have been seeing in recent months that my writing style conflicts with that of the status quo. Such as how I stated in a previous entry how not naming names of the guilty parties is often no help to society, be that society based on lifestyle, country, or humanity overall. This goes against the journalistic status quo, especially in the gay community. I recently broke this status quo on behalf of this person who I felt did good on the gay community's behalf and I also thought was a friend. While I was anticipating their not being happy with what I wrote, I at least expected a small phrase of appreciation like "I appreciate you speaking on my behalf, but...".
I would have took that little bit of appreciation, and then a lecture. But instead I got a TOTAL lecture like I was their child. My expecting a small degree of appreciation was based on the code of ethics and decency that made me consider him as a friend in the 1st place. Yet what was said to me was how I have to learn ethics. Now I may have been wrong in what I told, but I at least should have been shown some appreciation for my taking a stand for this person, when they're being shunned while doing a good deed. Even if they disagree with my tactics, it's because of my "lacking" ethics that made me take the time to make that stand on their behalf. Because I am thankful for their support of me.
This has me wondering if the fact that I go against the status quo, yet have gained a great deal of respect of people in and out of the industry, has caused envy amongst those who do follow the status quo without them progressing much. Check out this email I recently received from Victor Hoff of MOC Blog:
"...I have to say I really admire your honesty. And its result: your newfound and well earned respect by the Gay Industry. Not that it matters, of course (or shouldn’t!) but you have challenged established institutions at precisely the time when their slow, inexorable end has arrived and you have become a leader of issues not a passive anonymous commentator. Congratulations, Tre. I’m very proud of you and your accomplishments and I’m honored to have you as a friend. Seriously. ..."
Is a response like this, why at a recent appearance I found myself mocked by the host after I said that I started my blog to be more than just the cute little pornstar, and I instead wanted to be seen as a pornstar with a brain? In response the host mimics a fan saying something along the lines of "You have a great face, and great body, and you have a really beautiful brain", in a cynical tone that made it seem (at least while being active in the porn industry) that being a pornstar and well-respected for your intellect was a foolish expectation.
Well based on the fact of how no laughs came from the crowd for that host's remark, emails like Victor Hoff's from people in and out of the industry, and people on the street telling me, "Keep doing what I'm doing", that expectation of being a pornstar well-respected for his intellect has proved to not be a silly one after all.
If my coming out of my shell and finding my identity, my place in the LGBT community, and most importantly, my place in this world has caused me to outgrow having some people in my circle because they are lagging behind in their mental progression, then I have no choice but to leave them be. Because while some take for granted the power of inner-growth, and don't put much thought into it (hence the need for my parting with the aforementioned), I crave for it like a drug. And it is a neccesity that I refuse to live without. Even if that means I will end up living like a hermit, instead of a socialite, because I will at least have the wisdom that makes me God smile on me.
LeNair Xavier, unashamed of his porn past as "Tré Xavier", continues revealing his observations where he sees beneath the surface of all we've been told about sex, life & love.
Hi Tre, like your friend David, I too have had to remark to you on a number of occasions, how impressed I am with the quality of your writing.
ReplyDeleteUntil I began reading your blogs, it was my presumption that porn stars were basically either dim dudes, or dumb blondes. In other words, I would have been taken aback in reading a story written by such a person, without having to discard it due to the banality of its presentation, and the yawning effect it had on my attention.
Yet, on my first reading of your blog, it became very obvious that reading a story written by a Porn Star, who contrary to my uneducated experience possessed more brawn than brains, I was forced to take several second and third and fourth looks, simply to satisfy my impression that here was a'dim dude' with actual intellectual talents. And I most certainly gladly begged to defer to you my pleasant surprise.
Even before reading your most recently dated blog, I was offered a clue to your potential literary acumen, when on almost all of your web blogs, you quoted from the British Romantic/Victorian novelist and writer, Bulwer Lytton. Mr Lytton's literary sayings and writings, if nothing else, were replete with acute and profound analyses of how the human/individual/person, when placed in unnatural settings, manifested personas convenient to the circumstances, in order to survive; his analyses of such mannerisms, were by no means apologetic or patronizing of these subjects; instead they were pragmatic assessments.
Until I became familiar with you as a person, through your sparse visits to our Friday evening meetings, at the LGBT center, and even more so had the pleasure of reading your writings, my impression of all porn stars not only centered on their intellectual deficits, but also on their disparate lives which catapulted them into the only limited sphere they possibly could find anything constructive to do, and which was to display their asses and cocks; and for only as long as their youth lasted.
However with you I got to know A GENUINE HONEST PORN STAR WHO ENJOYED WHAT HE DID NOT JUST TO SHOW OFF HIS BODILY ENDOWNMENTS; BUT WHO REALLY HAD A LIFE AND MIND BEYOND PORN. In other words, your life as a STAR, forget about 'PORN' will go along way as long as your intellect remains curious and inquisitive to improve.
Your blog below, gave me the clue I was curious to find out about; and which was your intellectual background. This clue was sufficient for me to realize that what I recognized earlier as a 'mind not wasted' was indeed a mind cultivated.
So that I will continue to read your writings knowing that I am reading the mind of a STAR who also happens to have great looks, a fabulous body, a delightful cock, an intelligent mind, a sensual demeanour, two dimpled cheeks rounding off his butt, for whom it would be an honor to get to know better, and intimately.
Until then, as always looking forward to not having to die in despair, by borrowing a line made famous by the Reverend Jessie Jackson, which says "Keep hope alive."
Tre, the host is a Grade A jerk-off. You do indeed have "a great face, and great body, and you have a really beautiful brain." Clearly, the host was lacking one or probably all three...
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