I hope you are doing what you need to get better. I wish you well.
To my surprise, he replied Saturday afternoon:
I am sober, 3 days again
I returned with:
Glad to know you're doing better. Keep it up. Take care.
To my surprise, Sunday afternoon, he called me. We had a nice long talk, and he at one point said that all had happened to him was not all his fault. He said he wasn't feeling that social, but I did let him know that I was planning to go sit in Washington Square Park, and invited him to come along, so I'd check in with him to see if he felt better by the time I got there. Once there, I texted him. He said his doctor/friend was coming by. So I told him to enjoy his day, and that we'll talk later. He replied:
Def. Thanks for sticking by me.
So I left it at that for that day. Come Monday however, like I said, when addicts fall off the wagon, they must earn the trust of people around them. So hoping for the best, I went to a hook-up site hoping to NOT find him online...
...THERE HE WAS. And once again, I checked the other sites, and he was there as well.
I sent him an email via one site with a casual tone asking what was he up to.
I could see that he opened the email, and I immediately got a reply stating that he was with a buddy on the UES.
I asked him if he was sober. I could see that email was opened as well, but I never got a reply to that one. Because of this wait, I decided to put my foot down, sending another email saying:
Answering is very important....TRUST ME!!!!
He replied:
i'm high why
I decided this was it for me. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. So I sent him in reply:
THEN YOU'RE DEAD TO ME. I've tried my best to stand by you, but I can't stand by you when YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD insist on NOT standing on your own.
I'M DONE!!!!
I guess you're choosing the body bag rather than fighting to be a real man.
I was having my own problems during this time, and while I was standing strong through it all, learning Sam had faltered again did the unusual....it broke down my emotional wall to the point that I actually sat in my room and cried. For he, like everyone else in the situations going on with me at the time, had failed to do their part while I did mine. Basically in this case, I obviously wanted Sam sober more than Sam wanted it for himself.
I called Sam choked up asking what was he doing to himself. And sent text messages to try to wake him up to realize the damage he is doing.
Such as:
I hope you're proud of yourself....YOU FUCKIN' COWARD!!!!
and
If you're on a drug binge on the UES, then what about your dogs?
and
Yesterday, you said all you lost was not ALL your fault.
Well, YOU chose to go with this "buddy".
YOU chose to take that hit.
Then whose fault is it?!
Some now believe that there is a gene that makes one susceptible to addiction. I DON'T BUY THIS. This "gene" is nothing more than a scientist making another excuse for people not taking full responsibility for their actions. If there was such a gene, then why am I not an addict after trying so many different things. I have said it time and time again that I believe the key to addiction is ACCESS. The difference is that a real man or woman is self-assured enough that even when they have access, even if they have to fight themselves to do it, they muster up the strength it takes to still deny themselves of the drug by saying one simple word ---- "NO".
Therefore I don't believe that Sam has such a gene in him. I believe that he like any other addict is just plain and simply not self-assured enough to say "NO". I've had access, so why have I had so many times of saying "no", while there were those other times when I said "yes". It's because I demand myself to be in control of me. I was never doing it to seek approval like some schoolkid falling prey to peer pressure. These people are so desperate for approval, they don't give a damn about where they get it. As long as that the approval comes from the people perceived to be "popular" in their society, and that doesn't necessarily mean those who are for the greater good. And sadly enough, drugs is an easy way to rub elbows with "the popular people".
With that in mind, I'm sure that many "party-boys" recognize that picture of Sam. And I'm sure they are running from these posts, or putting their heads down just like he is doing in that picture...but in shame as they should. For they know they are living this same kind of so-called life that is just a step away from being their story. That is,....if it's not the story they are living already.After collecting myself, the next day, I sent Sam an email. This was it for me. I told myself that I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I had to stop trying to be the superhero and save the day with my wisdom for people who don't do the actions to back-up their claims of how they want to save themselves. I was finally allowing the reality to set in....that I have to let Sam be his own hero.
So the last email reads:
Sam,
Yesterday when I called I broke down because you are not the only one with problems. I am in the midst of some of my own, but news of you high again just broke down my emotional wall. Just the day before, you invite me to having dinner with you sometime this week, and the next day, I find you online on every hook-up site on another binge. How am I supposed to feel? I feel like all the time I spent to help you in some kind of way is now wasted. And with everything else going on with me, I can't put myself through trying to help you when you won't help yourself.
You keep talking about getting away from the drugs, and that it because of where you live. WRONG!!!! Stop with the bullshit excuses! BLAME YOURSELF! BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH TO SAY "NO" TO EVERY DRUGGIE THAT WALKS YOUR WAY! BLAME YOURSELF FOR USING DRUGS TO RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF BEING MAN ENOUGH TO FACE THEM! Like I said, I am in the middle of my own problem, but I'm not getting cracked up to run from them. BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT THINKING BETTER OF YOURSELF TO WHERE YOU HAVE THE FAITH IN YOURSELF THAT I WAS TRYING WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING TO HAVE IN YOU!
If any of this hurt you, I really don't give a fuck! Because it's the truth that I'm sure no one has told you. And if they have, do you have to wind up in a body bag before you get it?!!!!
Try Being U2B. FREE
That was the last email I sent him. And I have not heard from him since. So whether he's dead or alive now, I don't care, because the truth is...I CAN'T care. If I try right now to send emails or phone calls and get no reply, I can't concern myself with the horrid possibilities anymore. Horrid possibilities such as it turning out that he has OD'd and been dead so long in his apartment that his 2 dogs now have no choice for food but to eat at his dead carcass. I can't concern myself with that, because he won't concern HIMSELF with that. I can't put my life on hold trying to save his, when he refuses to take part in saving himself.
This is the lecherous life of an addict. Sucking out your strength that makes you able to deal with hardships of life, because they need the company for they are too cowardly to make that strength for themselves. So their goal whether they are aware of it or not is to make you just as in despair as they are.
Well, are you going to let that happen? I personally REFUSE TO!!!!! Moving on....
You've touched a very interesting point in your post, Tré, regarding the 'addiction' gene.
ReplyDeleteThe 'addiction' gene isn't an excuse. And, frankly, it can't be in this case, since the 'addiction' gene has only been seen in Northern European females.
Genetics are NOT the code of everything that the media would have you believe. Science has known this for a long time. Your genes deal you a poker hand. What you DO with the poker hand depends on what you want to achieve with your life, and how much will power you have. Some genes will seriously fuck you up - deficiencies in something important, for example, but most will only tend towards one thing or the other.
The way they 'found' the 'addiction' gene, was they took a large number of addicted and non-addicted people, and looked for a genetic difference between the groups. They 'discovered' that Northern European women who were addicted were MUCH more likely to share a gene than other people. That's not an excuse... note that the other groups didn't have the gene.
It's an important find, but the media blew it up into something it wasn't. What it did show was that some people have a harder time with addiction than others... and that's something that we already knew.
Still enjoying your work, Tré, and still keeping us thinking!
When writing this, I knew that if someone brought forth more info about this addiction "gene", I could easily make the point that the reason why addiction is harder to kick for some more than others is because of one's parents. Of course most things like that are passed from mother to child, hence why this finding was more in women in the 1st place.
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as this study you talk about is concerned, did you ask yourself HOW MANY OF THESE PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED TO NOT BE ADDICTED ACTUALLY ARE, BECAUSE AFTER ALL - ADDICTS LIE.
The reason why I still find it unacceptable is because while I don't know him, I was told that my father is(maybe was) both a drinker and a smoker, which would make me in some way more susceptibile to substance addiction of some kind, yet I am not. I asked my mother about my father's habits because I knew I had strange cravings, and I knew it had to come from somewhere. So if his substance cravings were passed down to me, yet I am not an addict...NO ONE HAS AN EXCUSE. So debunks this so-called "addiction gene" regardless of its origin.
Again, the gene doesn't cause, or 'make' you an addict.
ReplyDeleteI don't know the exact details of the study... It wasn't mine. Although, I actually recall that the study had to be withdrawn for ethics violations (they published six-months before they were supposed to).
'Maternal effective' genes are, of course, very real, and you make a point of them. Actually, the research I was doing until a month ago was into this very thing. We call it (or part of it) 'epigenetics' - stuff which you inherit, but which are NOT DNA. Much of the maternal stuff you describe falls into that category.
It's actually something which I find hugely interesting... How your early life (particularly inside your Mum) affects the way you turn out as an adult.
We're only starting to learn about it.
But, to reiterate, having the 'addiction gene' doesn't make you an addict. It does mean you're more likely to become an addict. Will power will, however, swing the pendulum the other way.
Cant help those who dont want to be help.. Case in point!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.wickedgayblog.com/2010/04/bareback-porn-star-chad-noel-25-dies.html
I met Sam a few years back. I came in and walked out all in 5 minutes. I ran into him at a sex party and he was high as hell. He tried to talk with me and I paid him no attention. More than 3 years later I have seem him in the same condition and I actually feel sorry for him.
I saw him at a bar a year ago and we talked. He told me he was a teacher and I was curious how he is able to teach. That would explain New York City Low Graduation Rate. I have met so many teacher in the city that are gay and party. I think they only do it because they have the summer off and they can party all summer. The kids are the ones who lose in the case..
back to you its been over 4 years since I met Sam and like so many Nothing has changed!