Becoming Mr. Mistress - text version

Due to the quick popularity of my last podcast, I have decided to comply with request of having it in text form. Thanks to those who helped to make it such a success.

I define myself as a predominately gay bisexual. However, this situation is one that is all too common in this technological age regardless of your age, gender, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. So I strongly advise you to read this, and feel free to pass it along to friends who might have, are presently, or are on the verge of living this scenario.

What made me need to tell this story is because I have been in 3-ways, and even felt like I was nearing being propositioned to be part of a 3-way partnership. But in all of my sexual experiences and online encounters, you might be shocked to learn that I have never experience something like this.

About 3 weeks ago, I got a friend request on Facebook. The guy said that we chatted on the gay hook-up website, Adam4Adam a couple of years ago. He also lives here in NYC. As with my most people, before I accept their friend request, I checked their info. Hence why there are some people right now waiting for me to accept their friend requests but I won’t because there is just too little information available to me about them and their friends. And some of them look like kids, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to have Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s “To Catch A Predator” busting down my door, with cops cuffing me, and taking my computer for suspicion of pedophilia. That shit is not happening.

Anyway, after I accepted his friend request, he started chatting with me. Our chats (all of which he initiated) always wound up with us exchanging very sexual flirtations. As this went on, I began considering picking up where we left off in our exchanges on Adam4Adam. But to be sure, I went to his profile to see some things. His relationship status – but there was nothing listed in that regard. So I went to the back-up, his photos. I saw a guy in some of the pics that the body language suggested he was more than a friend. The date on those pics was July. Now with relationships being as fleeting as they are these days, I thought that relationship might be over and he just never deleted the pictures. The same way Toby, the guy from my poem "Paying (Ends---My Friend)" is still on my friends list with him tagged in my drawings that symbolize his bad behavior. However, with this guy, as our chats continued, he always said things that if you didn’t read between the lines like I do, you might not realize that this relationship of his wasn’t at all over. But he never came right out and said it like he should have, especially since no words stated so on his profile. The problem was that while I was figuring this out, my desire to come face to face with him was starting to grow again, just as it did when we exchanged messages on Adam4Adam.

One of our flirtation conversations led to him saying to me, “…too damn bad i didn't meet you when we first started talking, …something tells me we could've had a lot of fun. i still imagine we would."

I said in reply, “Obviously, you do.”

He said, “oh, why so obvious? Lol”

And that’s when I dropped the bomb by saying, “Well, having a taken man tell you how he's been turned on by you, can't be more obvious than that.”

He confirmed how true that was and then apologized if I felt it was inappropriate of him to talk to me so much or in that way, or if it was unfair to me. I told him that if I didn’t do my research and see his pictures, I wouldn’t have known about his boyfriend, because he never mentioned him. So his actions were unfair. And not just to me, but to his boyfriend as well. He agreed and told me that he loves his boyfriend, and he would never cheat on him. But it’s just that at times he feels a bit trapped, sexually.

Well, since I don’t know much about him and nothing at all about his boyfriend, nor am I behind their closed doors, I won’t doubt as to whether or not he loves his boyfriend. But how many times have we seen this scenario? How many entertainment and political scandals have started out this way in recent years because of this technological age of social media websites making us able to lay the ground work of meeting someone? Yet one party professes their love for and faithfulness to their significant other while pretty much saying all the words to court another? Waaaaay too many!

Now let’s go back to when he said that he at times feels trapped, sexually. He says that my openness about sex is part of what drew him to me. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but shouldn’t that sexual openness and adventurous spirit have been a requirement he made of his boyfriend before taking up with him? The same way I said in a recent blog post how I could never be in a monogamous relationship with a guy who is a total top or a total bottom, because my versatility is going to make me crave both the dick and ass of that man. And denying me of either will only spark me to look outside of that relationship. Now, if you tell me beforehand that there is a physical reason for you to be a total top or bottom, and I accept it, then I can’t complain. Or if something happens to you physically during the course of our relationship that makes you a total top or bottom, then I should accept it and be monogamous. Otherwise, what halts you is mental, and I am under no obligation to proceed with attempting a monogamous relationship with you. And this is a conversation we need to have before we call ourselves “a couple”.

So if my sexual openness and adventurous spirit is such a draw to him, then it only makes sense for me to conclude that his feeling sexually trapped is born from one of 3 things:

(1) he’s having issues with having sex with the same person all the time, which is not uncommon.

(2) his boyfriend is what they call “vanilla”. Meaning that he doesn’t do too much outside the norm, and there might not be much communication about what he does within that norm. This is communication that should have been had before they called themselves “a couple”.

Whatever reason he has bouts of feeling sexually trapped, it’s why some couples are into 3-somes, swinging, and open relationships. But also, it doesn’t justify him leading anyone on, or putting himself in the position to be unfaithful since being in one of those more sexually open relationships doesn’t seem to be an option for him. Or

3) some combination of 1 & 2.

Now, it’s inevitable that at some point, one of us would have propositioned a meeting, and the other would have agreed. It was inevitable because it is a natural instinct put in us human beings that when we feel trapped, we are to seek escape. So what if I was such a lonely soul that I decided to offer myself as this guy’s escape from that feeling of being sexually trapped? Or what if he propositioned me to come face to face at long last? Maybe just to talk. Maybe more. Consciously, or subconsciously, no matter how much he claims that he would never cheat on his boyfriend, it’s a line we’ve heard of too many times before, as he would have been putting himself in the position to be unfaithful. And I also would have lessened my worth as a person by being a party to it.

Now, they say it’s a small world. By both of us living here in New York City, it makes it even more probable that even in a city this big that, I could very easily run into this guy and his boyfriend. And it should be hell on my conscience to look his boyfriend in the face. Now, the question is while it should be hell on my conscience, would I risk lessening my worth because I’m that lonely a soul?

Well, I’m going to put it to you like this, …I have no intention of being Kat Von D. to this guy’s possible Jessie James. Having Karma kick my ass because of what I did to his boyfriend’s  possible part as Sandra Bullock. In short, NO, I am not lessening my worth, nor am I that lonely a soul.

I admit to having my moments of loneliness. But 1) no one should find a piece of ass, a piece of dick, or a piece of pussy worth all that hiding and bad karma. Especially, when at the end of the day, until that person gets caught, he/she is going back to the real significant other. The significant other that he/she shares a life, maybe a home, and maybe even children with. And 2) I love myself enough to not be someone’s consolation prize. Which is what you’ll become when that person gets caught and thrown out on his/her ass. Everyone’s goal in their love life should not be a consolation prize. But instead, demand that they are THE PRIZE.

It’s sad how someone into monogamy can immediately communicate to someone they’re seeing how that person is not their type once that person reveals being in the sex industry. Yet, they can’t bring themselves to talk about their own sexual nature, be it mild or wild. Well, the reason why it seems so easy is because the monogamous person doesn’t have to communicate to the person in the sex industry that a union between them won’t work. Because CIRCUMSTANCE did the talking for them. CIRCUMSTANCE allowed them to maintain their being tongue-tied by way of sexual repression. And I’m not saying that the monogamous person is sexual repressed because he/she isn’t so sexual open enough to be in the sex trade. I’m saying he/she is sexually repressed because they won’t communicate with their partner what they want sexually. Or for the sake of not being alone, they settle. Which is why some relationships involving people of 2 opposing sexual natures come to fruition, even though they should have never gotten started in the first place. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one or both parties can’t lie about it anymore, and the opposing sexual natures surface so much that a parting of the ways is a must.

Now before I continue, some of you might not realize that I do need to clarify what I mean by “monogamous”. For there are those in the sex trade like some porn actors and prostitutes who are part of a couple, who show that they are dumber than a box of hair by claiming “outside of work, we’re monogamous”. Truth be told----NO THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT!!!! Because your male significant other is getting his dick wrapped nice and snug in a 98.6 degree hole, be that hole a mouth, ass, or pussy that is NOT yours, and your male or female significant other is getting his or her 98. 6 degree hole, be it a mouth, ass, or pussy stuffed better than the turkey you had this past Thanksgiving with a male’s dick that is NOT your own. The short version is, no matter what the situation you put yourself in, if you’re fucking somebody besides your significant other, you are NOT monogamous. Don’t try to bullshit me just because you’re dumb enough to try to bullshit yourself.

Therefore, these people need to stop lying to us and themselves, and start communicating the truth. Just like any member of a couple needs to when they feel in some way trapped. Because circumstance is not going to always do the talking for you. For it happens more often than not that you’re going to have to be an adult, therefore make an adult decision, therefore have an adult conversation. Otherwise, the situation that I am speaking of now, or worse is the situation that you end up with.

There is a part of me that thinks had I kept up with communicating with this guy, that I would have no need to do this podcast, because we’ve experienced each other, and might still be together. But make no mistake, I am by no means doing this podcast as a regret song of “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”.

Because you may have come to know of me by way of the internet, but when it comes to my social life, I deal with the real world. Even though I have profiles on Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Gaydar, BBRT, DudesNudes, and maybe some others I’m forgetting right now, the fact remains that the overwhelming majority of guys in my life have been met by venturing out into the real world. Some might say they don’t have time to go out and meet people. Well guess what? The time it takes you to plant your ass in front of that computer, and make a profile, send an email, or chat online, you could have took your ass out into the real world and met someone. The reason why you won’t is because of you’ve probably become conditioned to play along with the sheer cowardice in communicating by using the less intimate ways that this technological age has greenlighted. My most loyal readers may recall that I’ve had this problem with Danny, and most recently Toby who both text like crazy, instead of being a man about their business and TALK - voice to voice and/or face to face.

And playing into those modernized bad habits is why this guy never heard from me again. I’m not an online or texting type of person when it comes to communicating in my personal relationships. If you live in this city, and want to maintain communication, then up the ante on your communication with me. Because of you don’t…your lost will surely be somebody else’s gain. And you risk the chance that you’ll be left to settle. Which may have very well been the case of the guy I’m talking about now. I don’t know anything about his boyfriend. I don’t know his boyfriend’s personality, sexual likes and dislikes. I know NOTHING. But I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to allow myself to be his “guy on the side” just because he may have decided to settle. With most people that I’m interested in talking to, I give them my blog address. And considering how I reveal so much of my stands on my blog, if they are still interested, then we can go further from there. Because there are so many ways to find me. But this guy waited until now to do it. Well, for me or anybody with worthwhile standards, it’s too little, too late.

And like I said before, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend. Do any of you within the sound of my voice really expect me to believe that at some point the temptation would not have become too strong for one or both of us to resist making that next inevitable step? I didn’t think so.

As I said in the intro, this story crosses over the lines of age.\,ethnicity, religion, gender, and sexual orientation. So I hope if you find yourself in such a predicament, you will do the right thing. Because it is the only way you will able to give yourself the pat on the back that I’m giving myself right now – with both hands. Because it’s very easy to say “if that was me, I would have done such and such”. But when the moment of truth arrives, some of us don’t follow through on doing “such and such”. Well, this time, it was me presented with that moment of truth, and I did do “such and such”. Why?

Because I am too damn good to be ANYBODY’s "Mr. Mistress".

Giving THANKS To Porn & YOU

Despite all that I say about the porn industry nowadays, I am thankful for it. For every dark cloud does have a silver lining.

Hence why I am thankful to porn for:

1) showing me how so many of the negative stigmas associated with the porn industry are well deserved;

2) giving so little a life to their loyal blog readers that they are now out of touch with the real world because all their life consist of is watching and jerking off to porn and reading porn blogs. Thereby sucking in all of the low self-esteem, prostitution, racism, and self-denial porn blogs give a platform to; therefore
3) giving its performers, who know that all I am saying is true, one of the worst places to seek the validation they are obviously crying out for;
4) giving me a voice in its underground. One that because of all of the addictions, cowardice, and denials of porn's connoisseurs, producers, directors and performers, I am now vehemently taking my voice above ground. Therefore, above them where it belongs.

So to those of you who I must be thankful for following me from the beginning, and are joining me as I ascend....

Far From A Saint With Body Paint

For some time, I have had a kink for body paint. A few years before my coming out, I was in an NYU student film that required me to be body painted. One of the other guys in the cast was into me, but even though at the time I was in denial of my orientation, I know that I had no interest in him. But I was attracted to one of the guys painting me. That brush hit my nipple and I had to hold my breath to make sure the oxygenated blood needed for a hard-on didn't circulate to my cock and make me sport some major wood.

I was trying to avoid getting hard because after all, while I already wasn't accepting my own orientation at the time, I was unaware of the orientation of the guy painting me. Though looking back, I think he was gay, or at least bisexual. But I didn't want my hard dick bulging in my underwear and in his face to put him on the spot. For the thing about artists is that when it comes to their orientation, sometimes, ....you just never know.

Since my coming out, my kink for body paint became more evident to myself. The first instance I recall was at the Baña Pool Party. One of the check-in guys with a simply fit physique was body painted all over. And I mean ALL OVER, as in including his dick. We kept flirting with each other, and one point during the night, by chance we both wound up on line for the bathroom with him standing right in front of me with his nice round ass painted green. During our flirting, he let me feel his ass, and if I could have gotten him away from that check-in table, I would have done everything within my power to get my ass fucked with that green-painted dick of his. I only saw his dick flaccid, so I was especially curious to find out if his dick got painted while it was flaccid or erect. If flaccid, then once hard, the paint would probably look like green-zebra stripes. But if it got painted with him hard, then it would have been so covered that he might have looked like he was related to The Hulk. Trust me, he was simply fit, but he could have fucked my ass hard as if he was The Hulk with no argument from me.

Ever since then, when I see a hot guy body painted, especially all over (or close to it), my sexual fantasy is to have Round 1 with me bottom for him while he's wearing that body paint, then have Round 2 with us fucking in the shower getting that paint off. So you'll have whatever colors of the rainbow coloring our skin, then the water. And considering my preference in men, our being skin to skin will be a great color contrast as well.

So when will I have my day of a roll in the hay with a hot guy in body paint has yet to be seen. But until that sweet day I can experience that kink firsthand, I will keep looking at pics and videos like those in this post to help my fantasies along.

Possibility of Becoming The Other Man?

My next podcast will address the possibility of becoming "the other man". Has this situation ever happened to you?

If so, did you give in? And if you gave in, how did things turn out? Are you with this person now, or did it end and end badly?

Answer here or in the comments section.

Banned From The Sex @ 30 Lex

I have mentioned in past blog posts that I was a volunteer at a sex party. But if you recall, I never went into much detail for promoting its actions at length in blog posts like I have with the NY Jock Party, Milk Chocolate NYC Party, and the now ended Hot Jock Party. That sex party that I didn't say much about was then called Olympus, later became Testosterone, and now called Inferno held at 30 Lexington Avenue. The reason I never promoted it was because it was inspiring blog posts about wrongs done at sex parties ----by the host. Namely "Sex Party Etiquette: No Lying Hosts, No Bigoted Patrons" and "Blackout Room = Troll Central Station".

A couple of months ago, I volunteered at the party while it was still called "Testosterone". This was my last time there.

I did the usual job of monitoring the bathroom. When I arrived, I relieved the volunteer who was there at the time, and stood there. After about 30 minutes, the party's floor manager noticed how long I was there, and asked if I wanted to be relieved. I told him I was fine staying there. While standing there a tall, slim, tanned guy came over and we started making out while I was still at the post. As we talked, it turned out his tanned skin in that dark was because he was Italian. He wanted to play with me more in the playroom, but while hoping he wouldn't leave before I had the chance to, I told him I was working. Then about another 15 minutes later, the floor manager came around again, asking if I wanted to be relieved. This time, I told him I did. This made it an entire 45 minutes without a break.

The reason I allowed it to be so long before having a break was so that when I did get a break, I would have a nice long amount of playtime in return. Once the volunteer I relieved came back to resume the post, I went to go play. Luckily, my Italian playmate from before was still there, and I topped him as he laid on his stomach. Once my dick was in his ass, I found myself fucking him like a savage banging against his soft ass cheeks. Then I slowed down, laid on top of him, grinding in his hole to make sure I didn't come too soon. Surprisingly, I didn't with his soft ass underneath me turning me on. Then I picked up speed again, then slowed down again. This back and forth went on for about 15 minutes, with him jerking off and cumming during the last 2 minutes.

I then got on the line for the bathroom to wash off with intentions of going back to play with whomever might be hot in the room. While I was on the line, The volunteer I relieved told me that when I was done in the bathroom, to come back to the post because he wanted to get fucked. I felt this was unfair considering how much time I already allowed him. And in the past, while at that post, I have topped guys and been topped from behind while doing that simple job of telling guys, "One at a time".

To avoid lashing out at the unfairness of this volunteer, I never responded to his request, and went back to playing as I originally planned. The problem that occurred was that the volunteer took it for granted that I was going to do what he asked, and he went off to play as well, which left the bathroom unsupervised. The owner came with an attitude requesting BOTH me and the other volunteer. Even the floor manager said to the host/owner right in front of me how I was standing at the post for such a long time.

My feeling with the owner's attitude was "How dare he?!"

How dare he have an attitude when he's hosting a party where he sends out emails promising all these hot guys, and the few hot guys who come in will fuck once, or not at all, and then jet out the door. I know this because I've been those hot guys' one fuck, and missed out on getting their info. Just like that night. All because the majority of guys are out-of-shape and won't take "No" for an answer. Some out-of-shape to the point of looking like the X-Men nemesis, Blob. OR having White guys with their attitude of "White Entitlement" giving me attitude and rushing past me when I tell them the rule for the bathroom of "One at a time". I say "White Entitlement" because while patrons who are Black and other ethnicities are also annoyed by the rule, they hardly (if ever) gave me a problem like pushing pass me like the White ones have. 

All this, plus the owner's attitude with this incident, I decided I was done volunteering.

One day, I came across a blog listing all the sex parties in the city called "Adventures in Group Sex". With the listings, it also gives reviews. When I saw its review of Testosterone, it was so on point that as a writer, since I had quit over being done lying to myself of the vibe getting any better, I felt the need to let the truth come out to some degree. So I wrote this comment:

LeNair Xavier said...

I used to volunteer at the TESTOSTERONE (formerly OLYMPUS) party, and I agree with all too much with what you've said about it. Hence why I have never wrote a post on my blog to promote it. Unlike MILK CHOCOLATE NYC party which I've dedicated a whole category to. Nor do I write much telling of what I've seen or done at TESTOSTERONE except to post it in my "Sex Party Etiquette" category because someone fucks up. And it's usually one of those old,aggressive, out-of-shape guys that you mentioned in your review.

September 10, 2011 7:57 PM

Well, recently I discovered that I was banned not just from the party Testosterone---but the entire space. 

After I confronted Testosterone's host/owner of the space as to why I was banned, he said that my comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" was the reason why. Which I will not argue is understandable. So as far as any fair-minded person should be concerned, banning me from his party is fine. Besides, like I said before, I had already banned myself anyway from his party after that incident. Banning me from the space however, just shows how he can't accept the truth of his greed. Greed that will become more evident later.

I was pissed to learn of being banned. Not because of the being banned itself. But because of how I learned of it. You see, I didn't hear this from the host/owner himself. Someone else who holds a party there that I'm cool with is the one who informed me. This person has no place in a situation between me and that host/owner. So I was pissed to see someone not involved in our differences brought into the situation to be the host/owner's messenger pigeon. My feeling is that the host/owner could have sent a message or called me directly without involving this other person. If this other person was to learn of my not being able to come to the space, let him know after the host/owner was man enough to tell me himself. Just as I would have told the host/owner that I was no longer attending his parties after that last incident with the volunteer. That is, had I still been receiving emails since that night, but I wasn't. So I was under no obligation to tell of my no longer wanting to attend his party. But since it is his party, and his space, he is obligated to tell who he wants there without involving an outside unknowing party.

I like being proud of what I do and what I am a part of, and I use this blog to celebrate those things. And since I never said much about that party on this blog, I obviously wasn't that proud of it. So with hindsight being 20/20, my writing that comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" was actually not so much about me lessening my guilt over being involved with a party with false advertising about the patrons' physical requirements. It was subconsciously, my way of banning myself because of the party's dual advertising.

This is where the host/owner's greed gets worse.

For you see, there was something that I was going to tell in that comment on "Adventures in Group Sex" that I didn't. Instead, I took the road of saying "the party patrons are adults, so I'll let them see for themselves." But the fact is, I hate sitting on information that could help one's decision beforehand, when discovering it later can ruin a good time.

That something is that the party is advertised on different hook-up sites under 2 different names. Not such a big deal until you get ALL the details. The website I learned of the party by the name "Olympus" was on a general hook-up website. After discussing sex parties with a friend of mine, he was talking about a sex party happening on the same day of the week for barebackers called "Raw Pork". As the conversation progressed, it went from being that not only was the day of the week in common with the party I was volunteering at. But so was the start and end time, then finally the address. So I started a profile on the barebacking hook-up site my friend learned of the party from, and there along with the name "Raw Pork" was the same profile pic and screenname the host/owner used on the other site that I learned of the party by the name, "Olympus".

While I have long said that I am all for the freedom of choice when it comes to barebacking, this marketing always bothered me. Not so much for those who found the party the way I did, on a general hook-up site. Because in those cases, you're prone to run into someone who barebacks while you don't. BUT what about the hardcore barebacker who knows of the party ONLY from the barebacking hook-up site?

To have a better understanding of my past dilemma, look at this scenario that may or may not have already happened there:


You learned of the party from a barebacking hook-up site. You are totally unaware that the party has been advertised elsewhere under another name, and if it was, with the only name you know being "Raw Pork", you're expecting all patrons to be barebackers like yourself. So if you meet someone at the party who unbeknownst to you learned of the same party under a different name, and they are just as hardcore about condom use as you are about barebacking, (be he a top or bottom) when he demands use of a condom, you're going to be standing there thinking, "This is a barebacking party, so what you fuck are you doing here?"


And his reply might be, "Excuse me?! But where did you hear this?!"


From this point, this moment can go from being awkward to possibly hostile.


While wrestling with this, you might be wondering, why did I stay there as a volunteer for so long? Well, I never said I was perfect. I do try to be close, but even in my attempts, I sometimes falter like everyone else. Sometimes finding myself bought off by the most common in payments for one's silence ever since the dawn of mankind. In this case, by my being a volunteer that age-old payment was ---FREE SEX.


The thing about free sex as a payment is that it has an expiration date that makes you need to move on, and sometimes come clean. Whether it's because you're tired of the person, or your conscience is tired of taking a backseat every time you consider venturing to a certain place, as it was in this situation.


I'm not crying over being banned. Not at all. Sex parties are not my life. If they were my life, I wouldn't have spent so many weeks away before that incident at Testosterone happened. I had a great sex life before going to sex parties, and I will continue to do so no matter how many I do or do not attend.


None of the emails I received while volunteering never mentioned the party, "Raw Pork". And at last check before writing this post, the general hook-up sites posting of the party is more honest than before about its patronage. However, it still makes no mention of the bareback party, "Raw Pork", not even as a separate posting on that general hook-up site.


So the final question one may ask is: Is this post one written out of vengeance? Victor Hoff of MOC Blog has often said that I use my blog and comments for score-settling. Truth be told, what writer doesn't? Part of any human being's settling the score is by venting, either publicly or privately. And that would apply even more so to a writer as they often do it publicly. However, I let Karma be my vindicator. So a post like this is my way of settling the score ---by making one aware of what they've done to send Karma their way. Also, I hate the idea of anyone being unnecessarily hostile at not just a sex party, but any party.


So when you put it all together, my venting in this blog post is 1 part - score settling, 1 part - confession, and 1 part - prevention. Because if you want to go to this guy's party, I could care less. Feel free. But at least by all that I've told here, if you didn't know before like I did when I signed on as a volunteer, you now know what you're getting into, and won't be flying blind.

Deeper Moaned: The Dirty Word Report - Part 2

With the racism affecting so many place especially within the gay community, at "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!", we weren't able to cover every facet of where racism is displayed as much as I wanted to.

One thing I didn't get to explore as much as I would have liked was online hook-ups and dating. I did get to say one part of what I wanted to say on the matter with gays always using the excuse "it's just a preference" when they say, "No ______", and fill in the blank with the name of a certain race. What I said was in the same vein of a comment I made recently on Facebook replying to another comment to mutual Facebook friend's status update about racism. I had to call this person out on his ignorance on how he was living in denial of his own racism. I pretty much told him that we all have a preference, but to make yourself blind to the sexual beauty of a race to the point of TOTALLY writing them off by saying "No _______s" is an act of racism. No "if"s "and"s or "but"s about it.

And if you've followed me for any length of time, then you know that I've had to overcome my racism towards other Black males. And based on the overcompensating dominating behavior that I pointed out in Part 1, it is still an issue I struggle with. However, I do know that there are some decent Black males out there just like with any other ethnicity, and I am more and more making myself open to trysts and maybe even romances with them. So I know from what I speak on this issue.

Another thing that I didn't get to tap as much into as I would have liked is about how gay media perpetuates the idea that Whites are the all-knowledgeable and all-beautiful of our community. With photographers who instead of diversifying, instead follow suit by making Whites and those of light-complexions their main photo subjects. This is what I hinted at in Part 1 that if allotted the time, I would have explored further because of Dennis Chin's great point.

Gay media, which is mostly run by Whites, acts as if minorities' place is to be followers, and never rise much beyond that position. This is a point I once brought forth in an exchange with The Advocate's Editor-In-Chief, Matthew Breen. He tried to smooth it over to say that in one of the magazine's issue presenting a list that Blacks were included. This was NOT acceptable to me, and it shouldn't be to you either.

Because as I responded, I want to know when is a Black going to be shown as a great enough member of the LGBT community to not be thrown in a pile, but instead be the cover story of a magazine like The Advocate, Instinct, or Out for their great contributions? Or when is Logo going to tap a person of color to become the sole host of a show that shows their knowledge about sex, life, and/or love? More specifically, one of medium to dark-complexion, instead of the light-complexions they use to simultaneously not "mess up" the light color scheme too much and try to avoid a much deserved charge of racism. For we too have the knowledge, but these media outlets refuse to let us shine fully, so they give us micro-seconds of spotlight flashes instead.

Instinct Magazine tried to give me attitude via Twitter when I made this charge at them by saying they do give people of color praise. Sure. They gave me this attitude when their cover model was Rodiney Santiago of the most negative gay stereotyping show on television, "The A-List: New York" AND when you can easily go to the photo album of their Facebook page and see their minimal number of Black cover models.

The racists are out there sending letters and writing emails to the powers-that-be with the hopes of keeping their racist imagery alive. If you are a person of color, how dare you complain about how wrong the powers-that-be are for not representing you (in a good light, if at all) when you've made no attempt to contact the powers-that-be, but instead all you've done is sit in a corner and moan to yourself? If you want to see that long overdue change, then write your letters, write your emails, don't go to their events, and write letters and emails telling them why they're unfit to have your dollars.

And if you feel one or more of my blog posts on the matter of racism says what you want to say, then feel free to flood their mailboxes with forwarded emails and printed out copies. Let's bring the narrow-minds and racist trash that is heading gay media into the present day. A present day where ALL ethnicities, colors, and shades are to be represented in what they do. Or else, see their supposed empires crumble by our lack of support, as many try lying to themselves that they are not. Because for their dismissal and ignoring our presence, Karma has made them rightfully on the brink of that crumbling.

And call me "sadistic", but I feel no mercy for them.

To be honest, I was disappointed by the turnout at "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!". It was a nice number for that size room, but considering how widespread a problem this is in our community, that room should have been filled to the point of it being a fire hazard and beyond. So this makes me ask, 'Why did people stay away?' Was it because you were worried about your racially insensitive friends calling you "angry"?

When I was first approached about doing "Saying The Dirty Word....LIVE!", I was asked to bring others into it. Well, I don't know any porn actors to bring in it because they have an "every man for himself" mentality - and I use the term "man" loosely because of that mindset. And as far as bloggers go, I parted ways with a White one for being racially insensitive enough to call me "angry", and the Black bloggers I know don't deal with the issue enough (if at all) on their blog for me to consider them allies in this effort. It's as if they keep their blog's heart light so they can keep peace with White.

The problem is I know so many of us have experienced racism or seem it in one form or another that few who live in NYC have good excuses for not being there. And if you can answer "yes" to any of the aforementioned scenarios as to what kept you away, then you need  to grow up. You need to STOP acting like you're still in high school caving in to "peer pressure". Because before you know it, Karma is going to have you, the racists, and those catering to the racist mindset being either that lonely old man trying to get some young and beautiful tail that justifiably doesn't want you back as you sit lurking in the dark corner a bar or club, or searching on Rentboy, RentMen, etc. With the only reason you're free to be yourself being because the "friend(s)" you were so busy pleasing before, you either had a falling out with, they moved away, or died. OR you'll be stuck in a relationship founded on your racism that you'll be miserable in. Either way, by then, it's too little, too late. And justifiably so, no one should give a damn about your well-deserved, self-imposed prison of loneliness. If you think I'm wrong about your foreseeable future, you'll be the one wrong. After all, there's a reason I'm 40 going on 41, ....and don't look it. So I strongly advise you to get your shit together.

The reason people of color are given such minimal exposure in any of these situations, be it porn, nightlife, media, etc. is the modern-day "slave owner" mentality that is meant for us people of color to feel powerless. And from what I see, pathetically most people of color have adopted the mindset of  weakness, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Hence why some of my fellow people of color are quick to join light-complexioned races in calling me "angry". The truth is the opposite is the case, and we all need to start taking advantage of our power if this is at all going to change.

"Saying The Dirty Word...LIVE!" was one way. This blog and others like it are another. What's your way?

Deeper Said: The Dirty Word Report - Part 1

On Friday, November 4th, I moderated the event presented by Men of All Colors Together/NY called "Saying The Dirty Word...LIVE!" at the LGBT Center in NYC to discuss the present state of racism in the LGBT community.

I began the discussion by focusing on the racism we see in gay porn. One of the many highlights of my night happened early on when I mentioned the scapegoating porn studios try to use for not hiring Black porn models. As an example, I used a quote by Michael Lucas' from the Next Magazine article "White Cock Only". Before even reading that quote of his, the moment I mentioned his name, a room full of various ethnicities (Black, White, Asian, and Latino) made a sigh in unison of "UGHHHH!!!". Hear for yourself in this soundbyte from my audio recording of the evening:

I almost peed my pants trying to hold back laughter over the shock. But since I was the moderator, I did my duty maintaining my composure and carried on. Bringing up the point of how he's so quick to point the finger at Blacks claiming we're homophobic, yet he's quick to hire Whites and Latinos who claim to be "gay-for-pay", which is just internalized homophobia using money as an excuse to release their true gay or bisexual selves.

What Lucas and many other studios fail to realize is that some of us are not naive like the sell-out Whites, Latinos, Blacks, etc. who buy their half-assed excuses. Because what I see is this - you can wave money in the face of a White or Latino from upper-class to trailer trash, and the rules of their cultures will let them sell out their orientation for a buck way easier than Blacks,who while some may live life on the "down-low", it's only the ghetto trash of those Blacks who are going to be dumb enough to put their internalized homophobia on display by getting in front of a camera. So this is not Blacks being more homophobic. It's Blacks being (in a way) more intelligent about not making their lying to themselves so public, then making excuses with their panties in a bunch as they try explaining sexual behavior that greatly contradicts their claimed orientation, like White and Latino "gay-for-pay" porn actors do. Do the names Jeremy Bilding, Wolf Hudson, and Reese Rideout, just to name a few ring any bells?

Maybe rapes of both Black women and men during slavery is probably to blame for Black males taking such a position about guarding their sexual orientation. If so, then that's the silver lining in the dark cloud in our nation's history that is Slavery.

Those rapes of Black males by White slave owners may also be the cause of a mindset passed down through generations of the uber-masculine routine that some Black males do, especially towards Whites, and muscular physiques some Black males feel they must build for acceptance by Whites. With Whites cowering down to it out of White guilt for either their present wealth, sins of their forefathers, or a combination of both. Be it in porn or real life, while I've overcome my racism towards other Black males a great deal, Black males using sex as a weapon in both instances turns me off to them. And the fact that I'm so opposite is probably why at sex parties, when I top a White guy, like all other Blacks topping non-Blacks, I'm initially ignored. Most likely because that image of a Black male using sex as a weapon on light-complexioned people is soooo overdone, especially thanks to the likes of wasted existences like Chi Chi LaRue with his "Blackballed" series. But after awhile, they're interested in watching me once they see how while I'm a passionate and aggressive fucker, I'm also affectionate enough to not be bordering on raping that non-Black bottom.

One thing on the subject of porn that I didn't get to correct was the idea said by one attendee that porn was a fantasy.

Is it really?

For other areas where we see racism never got as much discussion time because our long talk about porn kept leaving room to segue for just a flash into those other areas, like gay nightlife and gay media. Also during the night, the point keep getting made of how porn has influenced so many gay males' racially-based expectations in reality. So blowing off porn as being just a fantasy is the first mistake. It's the reason that themes like "gay-for-pay", and Blacks as overcompensating dominating tops has gotten so out of hand to where too many are OK with it, and those low enough on self-esteem seek it in reality. Porn is not so supposed to be so much fantasy as it is voyeurism.

Another area we were able to touch on a little bit was gay nightlife. I didn't get to talk about the difference in method of payment between Blacks and White go-go boys where White go-go boys are more able to get gigs where they get a base pay. Meanwhile Black go-go boys in NYC often have to work in venues where they're borderline prostitutes by having to cozy up to patrons and give lap dances, then give a portion to the party promoter like a hooker does with their pimp before they make any kind of take-home-money.

However, we were able to address how some patrons are being forbidden entry based on race. This is where our invited guests from GAPIMNY filled us in. They recalled how at the popular Friday night party called "RockIt" thrown by Tony Fornabaio and Brandon Voss that Asian patrons were being turned away.

But the staff at "RockIt" were put to a test that shows how reprehensibly widespread racism in the gay community is. Asians were allegedly being turned away if they came in groups of Asians. However, Asians attending alone or with White friends were allowed in. With the latter, GAPIMNY's Dennis Chin pointed out how this shows how sadly still in this day and age, it is the White aesthetic that gets people of color by. If those people of color are accepted by Whites, they are OK. Otherwise, they are deemed not worth acknowledging. And Dennis couldn't have been more correct in pointing this fact out. I will give you a prime example as to why in Part 2.

Another instance of racism that the guys of GAPIMNY pointed out was the party named "Mars Needs Whores". The problem was that the original name of the party was "Mr. Wong's Dong Emporium", and all the party offered was of an Asian influence. While I don't believe racism was the intent, the controversy that erupted over this in addition to what was expressed in GAPIMNY's open letter to the promoters, I'm sure was also sparked by people who know of the promoters Cazwell and Joey Israel's past parties, therefore knew what to expect - every party staffer being someone they knew from many other popular parties in NYC with not one of them being Asian. If the intent was to "pay homage to Asian culture" as said in an apologetic notice by co-promoter Joey Israel, then how can you have a party in a city where Asians make up a great deal of the city's diversity, YET have no Asian staffers? This is the fact I was trying to convey in my open letter to the promoters that I posted on my Tumblr blog, while the racially-insensitive Whites, Latinos, and others of light-complexion (including Blacks) kept posting comments to those bothered by the marketing saying "Lighten up!"

My response to them is, "No, you insensitive pricks. Why don't you have a heart that goes beyond your cookie-cutter White world, and WISE UP?!"

While they will probably never get it, Karma is a bitch. And the price I forsee them most likely paying will be an ugly one that I will tell you about...

...when you read Part 2.

What surprised you lately?

At the discussion I was moderating about racism in the gay community, with a room full of men of various ethnicities (Black, White, Asian, and Latino), they all let out a big sigh of "UGGGHHHH!!!!!" just because I mentioned the name, Michael Lucas. I didn't even read the moronic scapegoating faggot's quote yet.
I was surprised because I have met so many White and light-skinned Latinos who are dumb enough naive fuckheads to act like Michael Lucas is gay porn's and our community's savior.
Now, I know I'm not the only one with enough sense to be worth a damn to our community.

My blog may make me seem like an open book....but maybe I'm not, so ask away ;-)

Write That Down #40

This quote was originally written at the same time I wrote the poem, "Paying (Ends---My "Friend")". For it was sparked by the boozer loser in that poem, Toby, and followed by memories of other guys I was involved with, the porn industry, and other past associates whose negative behavior inspired some art work of mine. Be that artwork a song, poem, drawing, or artistic series of some kind like "The Industry".

Now, a few months later, after I've finally got the wording right, the "Write That Down" quote is ready to be unveiled as it reads:

Everyone should live to inspire the various forms of art. And while wrong-doers inspire art conveying fear, anger, heartbreak, and other negative emotions contributing to the balance of life, for this they may not be totally worthless existences. But the ugliness of their souls damn sure makes them undesirable ones.

Sex Party Guests Surprised With Unwanted Guests?

I was volunteering at a sex party, and later came to learn the party was being advertised on different hook-up sites with different names depending if the hook-up site is general, or for barebackers. Should I expose this party for its dual advertising, since some patrons might be hardcore about their condom use (or lack thereof) to the point a confrontation can ensue between the two? Especially if they are like I once was, - unaware of the other party and its intended patrons?

Answer here or in the comments section. I would really appreciate your help in making this decision.

Write That Down #39