Porn, ...KISS!

I closed 2011 quite proud of myself. I continued to sever my ties with people in the porn industry. And the severing continued in the dawn of 2012, as I upped the ante by deleting double-digit gigabytes of porn off my hard-drive and unfollowing some of the porn-related personalities that I was following on Twitter. For I felt with them, there was too much contradiction and pandering to the porn powers-that-be, as well as praising of sexually depraved behavior, like same-sex incest and humiliation of bottoms.

Some people have told me that I seem bitter and angry about leaving the porn industry. What if I am? For if these people would open their eyes, they would see that I have good reason to be.

I know that I have said this many times before. but for this I must re-iterate - I entered the porn industry before coming out gay or bisexual was as mainstream as it is today. With that being the case, the porn industry was my way to be symbolic of someone comfortable with his homosexuality for those who were in "orientation-limbo" like I once was, yet fearful to admitting to their own homosexuality. My plan was to use interviews as my voice to the public telling how I overcame my religion-induced shame and suicidal thoughts to be the sexually-liberated man I have become. It was my blogging that became more of a voice, but the fact remains my being in porn is how that voice was able to reach the public.

However, the porn industry showed itself to have no interest in such a plight as mine, and became practically every negative stigma associated with it. From the rampant drug use, to the pimp/prostitute relationship of director and porn actor, to the desperation for validation. And I admit that I have allowed the 2nd, and am more than guilty of the 3rd. So considering my noble reasons for entering the porn industry, should I not feel bitter about needing to leave? Should I not be angry that the porn industry showed itself to be such an ugly environment when I tried giving it the benefit of the doubt?

Truth is, I have every right be seething with bitterness and anger.

And if you don't understand why, imagine YOURSELF in my position. Maybe you've lived it already, but just won't admit to it.

See a business in which feel you can be an asset to becomes the launchpad for you voicing your convictions. Yet, it turns out to not be at all the good things you had hoped to associate yourself with. In fact, it is such a total opposite that you find yourself needing to part ways with it. Wouldn't you find yourself bitter and angry towards it? And if thinking of a business doesn't help you to understand the situation, then use a significant other as an example. What if it was a significant other that you felt with whom you found your voice, broke out of your shell, and came into your own? Then after investing so much of yourself in that person, that person turns out to not be the great individual you originally thought you were associating with?

Now, if you can't understand why I may come off bitter and angry with examples such as that, then it's simple - you are an idiot and a hopeless case. Because that says it all.

I must also call out these people who want to call me bitter and angry after leaving the porn industry, and further their foolishness by saying to me, "Why don't you stop complaining and do something about it? Why don't you start your own company?"

Such a line is that of a pimp, a punk, and a side-seat-driver with their own lives, because these people are sitting on the sidelines watching me and calling me "bitter and angry", meanwhile:
(1)they refuse to acknowledge that by my speaking out about the wrongs I have seen, I am doing plenty more to change the industry than the people presently connected to the porn industry are doing. Those connected to the industry being not just producers, directors, and actors, but porn bloggers as well. Hence why I have severed my ties with so many of them. Sure, some studios are bringing more people of color into varying roles. But it says a lot about their lack of character for it to take losing money by way a recession and pirating of their overpriced product for them to give men of color a better try; and
(2) any adult with common sense knows that it takes money to make money. And with the chump change people of color are given in the porn industry, it is geared for us to never start our own company. So the only alternatives would be a) allow myself to be backed by a modern-day slave owner like Phil Bleicher of FlavaWorks, or b)save up money by turning a gazillion tricks as a prostitute - off-camera AND on, or c)something else illegal. And porn is not important enough for me to contradict my respect for sex by having it with numerous people I am not attracted to all for the sake of funding my own porn company for your entertainment.

So if you want a porn company so bad, you get your trollish ass out there and turn tricks to fund it! Stop living on the sidelines looking for someone else to do your dirty work!

With all that said, what makes me angry are drama-seekers. Such as anyone nowadays claiming that I'm bitter and angry. For I am not bitter and angry about leaving porn. I will admit that initially I was, but since the better things that have come my way since (such as what 2011 brought my way), that bitterness and anger is gone, and has now morphed into disappointment. And for the reasons I stated earlier for having a right to be bitter and angry, those same reasons now justify my disappointment.

While I still do and always will have my dark side, there is a light in my life now guiding me to better days. So that time in porn doesn't cripple me from seeing, grasping, and holding on to the great prospects ahead.