Help Me Get It Closer To Over

http://aidswalknewyork2012.kintera.org/lenairx

You Think I Should Envy You?

Let's face it.

We live in times where people want you to envy them as a way of reassuring them that their way of life is right. The problem is most of these people are EXTREMELY superficial.

So click and enlarge the pic, and see if someone or some people you know fits that list. And see if I hit the nail on the head in answering whether or not they are worthy of envy.

See 'Size Queens....' - REVAMPED

On December 3, 2009, I did a presentation at Sex Worker Literati, a reading event featuring past and present sex workers. My presentation was entitled, "Size Queens: The On/Off Switch". The focus of the piece was to compare how I'm to be a size queen in front of the camera, but the reality as I have vehemently stated numerous times on this blog how I abhor size queens, much less the possibility of being one.

It just so happens that comparing sex while on the clock with sex while off the clock is the theme of this upcoming edition of the reading series, Red Umbrella Diaries that I was invited to read at called, "Both Sides Now". So I am bring back "Size Queens: The On/Off Switch" for a new audience. Plus, I must revamp it. For when I originally read it, I had just announced my retirement from studio-based porn that September, but I was still using my porn stage name, "Tré Xavier".

Which reminds me to inform you, that in case you are not already aware, I now pronounce "Xavier" with its Spanish pronunciation (pronounced HAH-vee-air) to represent the Latino part of my heritage, as opposed to the American English pronunciation (pronounced ZAY-vee-ur) that I used while being known in gay porn as “Tré Xavier”.

With all that said, here's the flyer for the event.

If you are in NYC, stop by. And for more info on the other readers, check the link above. 

I hope to see you there.

Formspring: Is my sex life crazy?

Is my sex life crazy? I'm either having loads of sex thrown at me (and taking it), OR I'm in a dry spell that looks like I'm trying to reclaim my virginity. Do any of you others who are single experience this?

Answer here or via Formspring. Thanks.

No Valentine, And I'm Fine

This is how I see myself in love.

Forever in flight. Intertwined with my significant other.

Contrary to what you may think by my sexual escapades that I write about, as this drawing of mine from before my coming out shows, I was actually very much a romantic. And I still am.

However, unlike I did back then, I'm not down on myself as I used to be for being single. Feeling that without that significant other symbolized by the winged rose embracing the winged "L" representing me that I was less of a person. Truth is had it not been for my being single, I would have never discovered my predominately gay bisexuality. I would have been living the lie of being totally heterosexual. And since then, there have been so many things about myself that my time single has taught me about myself, like what I need to improve and dissolve in myself, and what I should and should not tolerate in relationships.

Sad truth is many out here refuse and/or haven't done the same. So they are living a lie in their relationships. And they use Valentine's Day to make all the gifts and cards be the biggest aid in their life of denying that their so-called life isn't working. Or for those that are single, Valentine's Day gives them more reason to escape using a sex tryst to numb the pain they feel for being single. And being single is frowned upon in so many cultures, and definitely by media and commercialism. So they create the illusion that they are spoken for by intimately laying with someone.

Some may call me cynical, or say how I of all people shouldn't talk. Well, truth be told, I don't use people for sex. Especially not in the way I'm speaking of here. Now I can't speak for my sex partners, but every person I have a sexual escapade with is someone I bonded with because I saw something beyond the attractive face and body. It might not be something to bond with for eternity, but it was something to make me want to bond my body with theirs in that moment.

With my solace of my single life, I thought for Valentine Day that I should spread the word with a poem addressed to those who are living the escapist life I mentioned before, and urge them to seek better for themselves. And see the good in being single that I have, which prepares you to be better in choosing your next relationship, and maybe even playmate.

So with this poem I say

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

And love yourself to know who to let in, and who to put out.

No Valentine, And I'm Fine

Stare at the calendar

Singing "Whoa is me!"

As February 14th

Has you feeling lonely

Blind to the blessings of solitude

Letting it cut you like a knife

Instead of taking this time for an inner-view

Of what makes a true loving life

Your arm is a turnstile

Taking any desperado's grasp

Even more so on Valentine's Day

Making you coupled too wrong and too fast

I don't need to fuck

For the illusion

Or fuck my ex

Causing confusion

Lie to yourself all you want

That the other party understands

Ignoring you're dealing with the mixture

Of sex, lonely hearts, and man

Your bedroom has a revolving door

For the silence causes you strife

Never embracing the self-knowledge through silence

To undo your present tragic life

You want to assume my foul tongue

Is nothing more than a verbal mask

WRONG! It's my despise of weakness

Like your robotic bobble-head I’m putting on blast

Hanging onto lovers past and present

With whom you need to sever ties

Making yourself into the real liar

To the claim how your soul is alive

You see,
I ain't got no Valentine, and I'm fine

Media makes solo flight seem a crime

This is not a lie I'm hiding behind

Till love is real, 

I don't want a Valentine

So if you're single, be worth a damn

Embrace this state of mind

© 2012

My 5 Hats At Cum Union

I have been seeing the sex party, 

advertised for awhile now. It seemed so massive with it being held in various cities that it peaked my curiosity. When it finally came to New York, much to my dismay, I missed it. With that being the case, I became hellbent on going to the next one that was held this past month. And I'm glad I did.

Early on after I arrived, this hot bubble-assed Latino came onto me. He immediately wanted me to fuck his plump, round ass. Even though I've been to the space before for the Milk Chocolate parties, I didn't even get to take a look around at the crowd there before this guy started me on wearing the 5 different hats that I would wind up wearing during the course of the party.

Rebel
He didn't take me to a play area. Instead, he took me to a wash area that's surrounded by curtains. For what reason, I have no idea. It was a sex party, so why the strive for privacy? Especially with my exhibitionist spirit. But anyway, that's what he was going for, and because I am such a free-spirit, I sometimes try to be more accommodating to my playmate in these situations. So I didn't care, just as long as I got to fuck his juicy ass.

He leaned over and I started pounding his ass. At first, guys knew someone was going on by seeing our bodies moving through the crack where the 2 of the curtains meet. Then we became obvious because my thrust into his bouncing plump ass made slapping sounds that got progressively louder. And his moans of "Oh yeah!" and "Ah fuck!", then me moaning the same shortly after as his hole became sweeter to my cock didn't help to make our fucking back there any less discreet. I had moments of slowing down to avoid cumming so soon after my arrival. But as soon as I slowed down, he started riding my cock. So when I started thrusting again, I really began pounding his ass, and making him no longer moan, but now actually speak his "Oh yeahs!" and "Ah fucks!" This went back and forth for a bit until I decided to quit before I'd get to the point of no return. Once I told him I needed a break, he asked me if I had come, and I told him that I hadn't. So he said that when I was ready to cum to let him know.

From there we went our separate ways.... for a little while at least.

Power Top
Way back when I first started blogging, had "Tre Xavier's Blog", and was a featured guest at the All Male Party, the apartment owner once raved about me to a guest complimenting my body, and how watching me top someone was "a thing of beauty". Well that "thing of beauty" must have become enhanced over the years because now after I'm seen topping one guy, it seems everybody wants to become my bottom.

It used to be that I walked into a sex party, most guys saw my ass, and they wanted to top me. Now, they still see and admire my ass, but they want my dick inside them instead. And tonight was no different - much to my chagrin since it's been almost 2 months since I really bottomed. So while I love the sensation my dick feels from entering a sweet hole, my hole was twitching to take in some gorgeous man's cock and milk him bone dry.

I must have been to the bathroom at least 5 times to wash off after either having my cock sucked and/or fucking a hole before reuniting with the Latino for another go-around.

This time, while I was fucking him, the Latino was sucking on a hot guy I later discovered was European. Everyone was cheering me on as I fucked the Latino, but I was focused more so on the egging on from the European, who kissed me while I fucked the Latino missionary style. I stopped fucking the Latino and let the European have a go at him, as I could tell the Latino liked us both. So that became the sexy routine - the vanilla of the European and my milk chocolate self tag-teaming the caramel Latino. A nice mix of color and flavors that should symbolize sex in America, I'd say.

At one point while it was my turn to top the Latino, some guy tried to put his dick in my ass. No making me aware of his face. Nothing! I HATE guys like this at sex parties. It's these kind of assholes that inspired "Sex Party Etiquette: Don't Rape Your Fellow Guests!". This was the 2nd guy in the night to try that. The 1st tried it on a guy who was bent over giving me a blowjob, and I put my hand over my cocksucker's asshole to cock-block the potential rapist.

After seeing and experiencing this, I believe that I speak for myself as well as many self-respecting guys with nice asses by saying this...

...Yes, my ass protrudes by nature. However, unless I physically or verbally gesture to you, that natural protrusion alone is NOT a sign saying "Open Season" for guys to enter my asshole. Furthermore, extreme horniness is NOT an excuse for allowing an override of a sane sense as to what is right and wrong to do to another person. Thank you.


Anyway, in spite of this enraging interruption, I was still able to proceed thrusting into the Latino. Then I let the European back at him. After that switch, the Latino decided to take a break. We didn't got anywhere but stand next to the bed. The 3 of us making out, and fondling one another. This made the break very short, because me and the European were hard, and the Latino was so hungry he asked us if we would double-fuck him. And the European and myself said "Sure" in unison.

Double Penetrator
The 3 of us went back to the bed. The European laid on his back. The Latino laid on his back on top of the European. The European held his thick cock to slide it into the Latino. The Latino guided it inside him. Then I positioned myself by spreading my legs as if to straddle the European, but instead simply got on my knees. I put my dick into the Latino and on top of the European's cock, and began thrusting slowly. But I quickly became anxious, and so did every the 2 of them as the Latino told me to fuck him fasteraway. The last time I was a double-penetration top, I was the guy on the bottom laying on my back, and it felt nothing like this. Because this time, between the tight hole of the Latino and the contour of the European's cock all rubbing against every nerve ending of my dick, from its head to its base, I once again, but even more so now feared that I could end up cumming sooner than I had hoped. From the way the European's cock was throbbing and the Latino's stretched hole was trying to squeeze both of our cocks with my thrusts, I could tell that they both felt the same way as I. And as long as I've been begging to be a double-penetration bottom on this blog, hot as that experience as a DP top was, what I felt from the Latino's body is the reason why I still crave being a DP bottom.

We stopped and none of us came. After a break, we did come back for one last round and continued by the European and myself tag-teaming the Latino. None of came us then either. And it wasn't that we didn't enjoy it. Why else would we keep going back together? It was simply because we wanted to pace ourselves for the rest of the night. After this point, we went our separate ways.


Power Bottom
After I once again continued being a power top with a couple more guys, the party began winding down. For some reason, this made the cute guys left finally see me as having potential as a bottom. Little did they know (or did they) of how before being a power-top at this party space, I was a power-bottom at other sex parties, my own bed, and on camera.

I was watching these 2 White guys fool around. They were fooling around together for awhile. One of them looked up and saw me, and started playing with me. Sucking on my dick first, which made me think I was about to be propositioned to be a top again. So the second he stopped sucking on me, I started playing with his cock, then I started sucking on it. And my loyal readers know that I blow my own horn about giving a great blowjob. Which evidently worked, because the guy got hard as a rock, and asked me if I wanted him to fuck me. I thought to myself, "Finally! A cock in my ass!", and I assumed the position for him to fuck me doggy-style.

It had been so long since I had been fucked in the ass that I almost forgot how to relax my tight hole to take my partner in. Luckily, since I wanted it so bad, it was like riding a bike. I relaxed, opened my tight hole just enough to let him in, and he started pounding away at me. And it felt soooo good. To once again, have someone appreciate my originally well- trained sexual talent as a power-bottom that had been dormant for at least 2 months by that point.


Since the party was winding down, the attendants at the party were able to get some real playing time in. And there seemed to be a bullseye on my ass. I knew the Latin guy who ran the refreshment stand wanted me, but he was nowhere to be seen. Too bad. Because while I'm not normally into muscular guys, he was one that actually had a real shot at banging all that muscle on and into my ass. Be that muscle from his weight slamming into me, or in his cock throbbing inside me. If he wanted it, he could have had it. But since he left, his lost became someone else's gain. Such as one of the Black attendants took full advantage of his free time.


Gymnast
This Black attendant was standing there as the White guy fucked me. Once the White guy was done, he wanted in me. I decided to take him in doggy as well at first. Then I decided that I wanted him as close to missionary as I could get on that sofa that was already occupied by another 2 guys fucking next to us. So I got on my back, and he got on his knees. He started thrusting into me, and then he paused for a moment. I was wondering what he was doing, then I saw it. He was trying to stand up. He was skilled enough that he did so while his cock was still inside me. He then began thrusting away. I held on to his neck and let him have at me. At one point, I even began riding his dick from up there. There were points where I was holding on with just one hand. Was I nervous? Yes, I was. But my nervousness was overpowered by my reveling in my reclaimed status as a power-bottom.

Afterwards, as me and all of the remain guests got dressed, I became the talk of the room. I was referred to as a "gymnast". The Black attendant who fucked me said that he's tried that with other guys before, and they always beg him, "Don't pick me up! Don't pick me up!". But he experienced the complete opposite from me. I was all for it. And we both had a great time because of my adventurous spirit.

Now, the next Cum Union party is on the 18th of this month. So stop living vicariously through me, and go experience some adventures of your own. ;-)

Happy B'day, LeNair!.... 10 Y.O. Feeling Alive & Sex

Quite contrary to the title, my birthday is actually March 31st.

However, what many of you don't know is that on February 9, 2002 marks the day I walked into Splash Bar, and came out to myself as a predominately gay bisexual. Then just a few hours later, since it was after midnight, February 10th became the day I lost my virginity... in that fateful 5-man orgy that became one of the reasons I gave myself the nickname, The L XTreme.

Therefore, with this year being 2012, that makes it a decade, 10 years of me being out.

Unlike most gays, I don't count being "out" to be about everybody else knowing. For me, it is about me knowing, and me at long last being at peace with it. No one should feel the need to wear their orientation on their sleeve yammering about it in places where it's not a need-to-discuss topic.

There are times that I'm a tad bothered to have come out as late as I did. And there are others when I couldn't be more happy about my late blooming, which is actually the majority of the time. For one being older, I came into the gay community with a better sense of self. One that will very likely stay with me and grow better and stronger into my old age. I won't be like a lot of the gay community who come out in their teens and early 20's who claim to have a sense of individuality but in all actuality DON'T.

Case in point, my late coming out makes it easier for me to know that when I say I like a certain type of music or particular singer, it is because I SAID SO. I'm not doing like a lot of gays making an icon out of artists (ex: Madonna, Beyonce, Cher, Lady Gaga, etc) because it is the "gay status quo" or "gay rite of passage". For treating these women like their gods don't make us males a damn bit better of a gay man.

And I say this as a big Janet Jackson fan, but as much as I love Janet, I'm not making a deity out of her. For she's not paying my rent or a single one of my bills.

This may very well explain to some degree why in my 10 years out, all of my attempts at relationships thus far have not worked. Because most of the guys were emotional cripples void of that sense of self because they live their lives following if not the gay status quo, they followed another moronic status quo of some kind. And because of that missing sense of self, they made themselves disposable to me. Call me "cold" for seeing it that way, but I'm not the one crying over a broken heart when all signs said, "Tell the sorry bitch, 'GET THE FUCK OUT!'".

So the "10 Y.O." in the title is for me feeling 10 years old in regards to my feeling alive and with that, experiencing my ever growing knowledge about sex, life, and love. And the feeling alive part of it is what is most important to me. That's why I'm hoping to be a part of the Rainbow Book Fair's Poetry Salon again this year, so I can unveil a poem that I wrote dedicated to the gays young and old who never got to make it to the point where I am. That point of being at peace with whatever degree of homosexuality they knew was in them.

The title of the poem is "3-31-41".

For this year, I will turn 41.

Now, if I decide to celebrate my coming out and losing my virginity, how should I celebrate? Maybe have my own 5-man orgy, but this time show my sexuality has gone full circle by making sure I'm the total top this time, and not a total bottom like I did when I lost my virginity. Saving my orgy for being totally versatile for when I celebrate 20 years out and proud. Hmmmm. It's a thought. But seriously....

....Maybe I could just celebrate by being in my apartment, alone or with friends. Or hanging out in the city, alone or with friends. Either way, I can't help but be happy no matter what. For after all those years of struggling with my orientation and contemplating suicide, I might not be here at all to be happy.

Happy that I'm alive. For life is good. And keeps getting better with time.

Thank you, God. :-)

Review of S.O.S.: Save Our Sex

Tuesday night, I attended the discussion "S.O.S.: Save Our Sex" held at the new xl Nightclub. I very much support the idea for this discussion, because a discussion such as this needs to be had. And NOT for one night only.

The topics to be discussed were:
-anonymous sex
-barebacking
-money, sex, and drugs
-labels, gender, and race
-marriage and open relationships

The issue of barebacking  and porn's role in influencing it seemed to dominate the night. To the point that practically all the other topics slated to be discussed never got addressed, and those topics of which the names were said were said because of their connection to barebacking. For this reason, the question I tweeted to @SaveOurSexNY never got asked. I admit that I did however chime in at one point for all to hear.

In the discussion, it was repeatedly being put on gay porn how they bare some responsibility for the young people who have bareback sex. Two panelists, Daniel Nardicio and Michael Lucas both pointed out how we are all adults, and it was our responsibility to take care of ourselves. At this point, I kept applauding their points. It was my friend accompanying me who gave me the nudge to actually say something to the crowd, because he knows of my porn past and late coming out. Hence why I made it clear that I was living proof of Daniel and Michael's point. I stated how I came out at 31, but I knew loooong before that to put on a condom. So to blame bareback porn for young people not putting on a condom is "absolute bullshit". This comment was met with a nice applause by the audience.

Unfortunately, what I left out of my comment due to time constraints was how I come from a very religious background, and I didn't have sex ever until that coming out.

FYI - this year, I celebrate 10 years since my coming out to myself (February 9th) and losing my virginity (February 10th).

Some may feel that the safer sex message targeting the gay community is no longer out there with as much force in mainstream media. That's actually true. However, the message is still being put out there. It hasn't gone anywhere. It is mentioned often enough in mainstream media, and should be taught in homes anyway by responsible parents. So if anyone in the gay community believes that the message is gone, then they need to realize that before people come out to themselves as gay, they often lived as I did - lying to themselves that they are the straight majority, with parents treating them as such. And some of the things taught to them while in the straight community can actually be called "knowledge". And condom use is one of those bits of knowledge. Therefore, those newly out gays need to bring that knowledge with them when they start their lives as gay adults.

One problem I saw with this event is that because of the importance of the issues that the press release listed, an event such as this MUST START ON TIME.

Furthermore, they could have saved a good deal of time getting right to business, instead of trying to get off. They could have done this by doing away with the "networking' part of the event where they give you name tags color-coded based on your relationship status. This may sound strange coming from a sexually liberated person such as myself, but the fact is that while I am so "sexually liberated", "sex positive", or whatever term you want to call me, I am still very much capable of prioritizing when and where sex is needed to be a selling point. And the fact that we were discussing it, should have been enough. Anything else should be done on your own time.

Now, I can't totally fault them for not realizing that these hot button topics needed an individual night for each. Because it brings to mind my poetry reading last year of "The Industry" how the each of the 5 poems of that poetry series could have been a basis for a discussion topic all their own. Leading to 5 different discussion nights. Yet we tried our best to squeeze it all into one night.

At one point of the night, the issue briefly changed to labels. But NOT the labels that we need to address like through the racism that makes the gay community their own worst enemy. Instead, they addressed the simple labels of "top", bottom", and "versatile".

Someone commented on those labels, and too many in the audience cheered as far as I'm concerned.

For that reason, I said to myself of the crowd, "How ignorant!"

I say "How ignorant", because it's another case of how gays are so hung up on the slang labels used to slander us that they blind themselves to the labels that we actually need to define ourselves in some capacity. For the labels of "top", "bottom", or "versatile" are much needed labels. How else are we to define the type of sex partner that we need? Since with gay males, 2 tops can't fuck each other, nor can 2 bottoms. Now, while as a predominately gay bisexual male, I don't understand the logic behind being a total top or total bottom since nature blessed you with both parts to be such. However, it is the individual's call of whether they want to use one or both parts as a tool for the emotional and/or physical attraction expressed through sex.

Furthermore, the problem is not having the labels of "top", "bottom", or "versatile". The problem is the fact that some gay males are faggots and not men by trying to use terms like "bottom" in a derogatory fashion towards their fellow gay male, and the term of "top" to overcompensate for own self-loathing.

Now, if we were going to have a needed talk about sexual labels like the question I tweeted to @SaveOurSexNY, I wonder how could this panel even try to answer it properly. For to actually address the issue of sexual labels based on race, it in no way can be properly addressed with a predominately White panel when Whites in media and entertainment are the ones who started most of these negative labels.

Such as how muscled-up gymrat Black males are on the arms of Whites for the sake of using sex as a way Whites punish themselves for their White guilt. Or Asians being taken on the arms of too many Whites to be treated as sexualized peons. This topic would be GREATLY mishandled by this panel. Especially when in so many previous blog posts, I have mentioned some of the names and/or positions of some panelists for perpetuating such imagery.

Also, is Tyra Allure, the lone far-from-white panel member supposed to speak for every non-White? It's not fair to put that weight on her shoulders. Just as I have put it on mine in addressing racism in blog posts, because practically all non-White bloggers I've come across cater to only their own ethnicity, which keeps the separatism within the gay community initiated by White-owned gay media very much alive.

Some may try to say that this review is just me being upset because the questions that I sent via Twitter never got asked. That would be those trying to avoid the truth. For while I have my infantile moments like everybody else, I can assure that this is not one of them. Because 1)I already admitted to how an important issue was discussed, and; 2)I even put aside my long documented disdain for Michael Lucas aside to show myself as living proof of a point that he made.

So you can count this review to be totally based on truth.


Truth that can help the organizers to:
1)make these discussions continue;
2)grow in attendance to the point of needing a much larger venue, and;
3)being more inclusive of ALL members of the gay community with their marketing tactics. Because with the panel line-up, had it not been for a direct invite from Pepper Mint, I for one would not have attended. Due to my feeling many of my brothers of different ethnic and social circles in the gay community were not represented.

With that in mind, imagine how many other people who feel left out in some kind of way did not attend, but should have that night. Or should in the future.

Something to think about...