3-31-41

This preface is based on a fear I always had before understanding or acknowledging my orientation as a predominately gay bisexual.

Until I came out to myself in 2002, my repression caused me to constantly contemplate suicide. So while aging is considered a BIG "no-no" in the gay community, I'm blessed to be alive and looking forward to how on March 31st, I will turn 41years old. So this poem “3-31-41” is to pay remembrance to the spirit of those we've lost to denial of themselves.

Best Sex Writing 2012

Last month I was reading the erotic anthology, "Irresistible", edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel., which I enjoyed a great deal. Now, I am enjoying "Best Sex Writing 2012", which is also edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Based on this trailer, I felt it would appeal to the voyeur in all of us. See for yourself as to why my interest was piqued. But I will say,  that from what I've read thus far,...so far, so good.

Don't just take my word for it. Get your copy of "Best Sex Writing 2012" at Amazon.com, and other booksellers.

Come See 'Bi-Butterfly'

For 2 years, maybe more, I have had the idea in my head to do a drawing that put bisexuality on display. It was to feature a bisexual man having butterfly wings with a woman on his right, and a man on his left. The intended title of this drawing was always to be "Bi-Butterfly".

Recently, I saw a posting from the Leslie/Lohman Museum of Gay and Lesbian Art asking for submissions. It partially reads: 

In response to the church’s recent call to censor the groundbreaking exhibition Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture at the Brooklyn Museum, the Leslie-Lohman Museum of Gay and Lesbian Art is hosting Uncensored: Queer Art and the Church, a week-long exhibition to which anyone may submit artwork and all submitted artwork will be shown.

I took this as yet another chance to further show there is more to me than my old porn persona, "Tré Xavier". Yes, I've done the poetry readings, dance and karaoke videos, and even included drawings with my poetry video "Paying (Ends---My 'Friend')". But those drawings were born of a dark place I was put in by the subject of that poem. So while that guy's impudence resurrected my need and love of drawing, I decided to take this opportunity from Leslie/Lohman to make a drawing born of a much brighter place inside me.

Creating Bi-Butterfly

First thing to create were the butterfly wings. Initially, I was trying to draw them freehand, then I realized that I never studied butterfly wings enough to draw them off the top of my head. This meant that I needed a picture to guide me. So I googled "butterflies", then went to Images, and luckily, one of the 1st images to pop up was one of these 4 types of butterflies.

Next, I had to choose one. I quickly eliminated the bottom 2 types because their shapes were so simple. So this left me with the top 2. The straight sides of the Papilio machaon's top wings put it more in the same league as the bottom 2 butterflies, which left me with

Next order of business was to find people whose physiques would make good for the 2 males and 1 female in the drawing. My original choice for the bisexual male at the center of the drawing (the Bi-Butterfly) was Greg McKeon. But for the man at the center, I wanted someone taller. Someone you could see carrying both me and a beautiful woman as his bisexuality took flight, and I have come face to face with Greg McKeon, and he is actually close to my height.

So I then considered a known bisexual pornstar that I have a thing for, Denis Reed. I passed on him because he's too well known. And my post on him proves his notoriety by still remaining one of my most read posts. So being a champion for the underrated, I decided to choose a porn model that I've written about, but doesn't get enough praise for his sex appeal. For this reason, I chose Alexi.

None of the people were not going to be their natural color. However, I still wanted the models I used to be of various skin colors. So since I already had a White male with Alexi, I now wanted models of color for the gay man and the straight woman. With that in mind, since I would mind having this as a fantasy, I chose myself to be the gay man. And as my straight woman, I chose my current fantasy girl, the ever so beautiful and bootylicious, Sofia Vergara. And these were the pictures of each model I used as a guide to draw the physiques.

With all that said, how did the final creation turn out, you ask?

Well, you'll just have to come out 1 night during the run of the exhibit and find out for yourself. I'll be at the opening reception, so if you see me, say "Hello".

SINCE THIS TIME HAS PASSED, SEE THE FINISHED WORK

HERE.

Come See Me @ The Rainbow Book Fair

Gay media with its incessant fluff pieces that overrate the superficial and underrate the necessary insist on making gays "play the victim" by constantly reporting on suicides believed to be caused by bullying - which gives someone besides ourselves the power and responsibility of weathering through our personal storms.

Well, instead of following gay media's credo in giving someone else the power, I say let's EMPOWER OURSELVES, AND FIGHT OUR OWN DEMONS. I wouldn't be alive today, if I didn't practice what I am preaching. Hence why I wrote the poem "3-31-41" dedicated to those who are where I could have been had I not fought those demons, and been blessed to win against them.

So if you're in NYC this Saturday, with my being scheduled as the last reader in the 2 -3 PM slot of the Rainbow Book Fair's Poetry Salon, it would be nice to meet you, and have you see me as you hear this story told through poetry dedicated to those in our community that we are or have lost to denial-driven deaths. Be that denial-driven death be figuratively by their lifestyle choice of hiding, or literally by suicide.

My hope is that this poem helps those questioning themselves.

For gay media seems to have in a way forgotten them.

I hope to see you there.

We Be The Porn

Have you ever had repeat hook-ups with a guy, and he always puts on porn? Or do you consider yourself to be in a relationship, and every time you go to have sex, your partner is either grabbing a porn DVD, looking for a porn video file on the computer, or going to a porn VOD site?

In my experience, drugs are usually involved if at all you answered "yes". And since I don't do drugs, this very much explains why in any of the hook-ups I've had at my place, porn has never been part of the ambiance. Sexy music holds that position. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen me post some of my erotic playlists when I'm having some fun with the caption, "Sex is in session". And sometimes, even that kind of music is too much of a distraction. Sometimes, I just want our words, our moans, and our groans to be the music.

Anyway, before I turn you on so much that you'll shoot a load prematurely, I need you to get angry.

For what made me write "We Be The Porn" was thinking back to how before I got to this point of being self-assured of my sexual prowess, when a guy would put on porn before we start to fool around, I questioned my skills and attractiveness. Now, as I've grown more self-confident, guys putting on porn pisses me off for I see that the problem isn't with me. Instead, it is with them. Putting on porn during sex is them questioning their own sexual prowess as to whether or not they're enough to stimulate me. Well, truth be told, as a single man, if you're not enough 90+% of the time (maybe a tad lower if you're a couple), then we should not be spending that time together. Because as far as I'm concerned, I am a skilled enough lover that you don't need porn. Why?

Because I AM THE PORN. I am all the porn you need.

So this poem is for those who have reached that point of knowing they're good enough in bed, and are ready to tell the dead-beat fucker that needs porn to fuck, "Either we be the porn to each other, or you be out the door of my life."

So I present to you...

We Be The Porn

I know I’m sexy

I know I’m fine

Before you had me

You were beating off so, you damn near went blind

As you squinted so hard

From the orgasm’s power

And they continued

But since I’m now truly yours, the thrill seems sour

As porn replaced the bond

Of our hearts, our minds, and our souls

Ignoring my loving body

When it houses the porn that you should behold

It wasn’t me

This is all you

The proof is clear

After all these years, this body’s still makes many swoon

It’s time to stop

Your porn addiction

For night after night

I give in making it less far from being fiction

As the years go on

Porn on occasion can slide

But for every tryst?

Tolerance would be breaking my self-pride

Call me an arrogant son of a bitch

To know and say I’m that damn fine

But this is about you disrespecting me

And my dear, you have crossed the line

Turn off the stereo, tv, videos, and pc

Let the sex music be our heartbeats

Or else, see the door and beat your feet

Especially, if you don’t respond saying, “Now”

Once these questions are complete

When will we be the porn

So I’m more than just a hole to you?

When will we be the porn

So I’m more than just a dick to you?

When will we be the porn

So I’m all you wanna see?

When will we be the porn

So I’m the wet dream that became your sweet, wet reality?

©2012 LeNair Xavier

3-31-41 Is Coming

As this year rolled in, I realized that the numbers of my birth month, day, and the age I will be when put together had a nice ring to them. So just for fun, I made a YouTube video with those numbers as the title, "3-31-41". The more I looked at those numbers, I realized their significance should not be kept just to myself.

You see, the reason those numbers are so important to me is because I have long stated how from my early teens until I finally came to terms with my orientation in 2002, I had contemplated suicide. So I'm blessed to be alive and look forward to how on March 31st, I will turn 41 years old. A fact I revel in even though aging is considered a BIG "NO-NO" in the gay community. And I felt I should share with those who were or are where I once was, and maybe inspire those in doubt to keep pushing forward, making them aware that I know of their pain. But more importantly, I want to pay remembrance to the spirit of those we've lost to that denial of themselves, whether the way they were lost be by living double-lives, repression, or worst of all - suicide.

So that little YouTube video made for fun has now become an actual poem of deep meaning, along with a newly written preface poem, all of which I will debut at this year's Rainbow Book Fair's Poetry Salon.

Last year, I wasn't aware that the 5-minutes allotted for each poet meant doing as many poems one could do in that amount of time. Hence why this year, I got creative and wrote the preface. Also like last year, there will be a chapbook available for purchase with poems from the participating poets. With that in mind, I decided to let my poetry for reading and the chapbook to cover the genre of Romantic, Erotic, and Socially Conscious.

The preface will cover the Romantic and give a taste of socially conscious, while "3-31-41" is totally Socially Conscious, and my submission for the chapbook (which you may have seen before) will cover the Erotic.

This year, the Rainbow Book Fair is on March 24, which is exactly 1 week before my birthday. So the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Besides my poem, as the flyer shows, with all there is to take in,
I hope to see you there.