Between summer and New Years, I had 2 instances where the word "nigga" was said to me. Take note that ANY variation of the word "nigger" pisses me off. So since I refuse to hang around the type of people who say it regularly, the only place I hear it is in gay porn. This got me thinking about how that word being said relates to the discussion I'm moderating February 1st about gay porn's part in our sexual and social interactions.So these are the situations, and how gay porn probably played a part in them...
Teacher
Over the summer, this White guy hit me up on Grindr just weeks after his moving to Brooklyn from Pittsburgh. We hooked up a couple of times. The 1st time was at his place, while the 2nd time was at mine. During that 2nd time, during the sex he said, "Oh yeah! Give me that nigga dick!"
Now, many of us have had that moment when we're so caught up in the sensation from good sex that things that should make us stop the sex go without reaction until after the fact when 20/20 hindsight kicks in. This was such a time. He said to me after that he doesn't mean that word in a negative way. I tried to not react, and I let it go without discussion. This reaction from me had me concerned with myself. And like I said, with hindsight being 20/20, now I know why. I subconsciously stopped myself from reacting because had I reacted,...I would have probably choked the shit out of him and killed him. After all, it's not the 1st time I've heard some variation of the word "nigger" said to me, and I got some degree violent.
And his being White was not a factor in my being annoyed with him saying that word, as some of you might think. To further what I said earlier, no one, and I mean NO ONE is to use that word with me. I don't give a fuck what your color is. So to have the fuck-faced audacity to come into my home and say it, has you beyond having one foot in the grave, and one foot on a banana peel. Instead, you've shown yourself to be self-loathing enough to be so clumsy that you slipped on the banana peel, and fell in the grave. So now, you're just waiting for me to seal your coffin.
Once I got my head together on this to not be so heinously reactionary, he no longer returned my rather pleasant text messages checking on his well being. So since I never got to privately confront him on this, which is the gentlemanly route that he doesn't deserve, I am doing it publicly HERE. And I have emailed a link to this blog post to him. For I have some questions I would like him to ask himself. Even though I'm already sure of the answer. Those questions and answers being...
OK. If you don't really you think of me as a "nigger",...then why the fuck did you say any variation of it?! Since we teach people how we want to be treated, what behavior did I exhibit that taught you that that word is what you come into my home and say to me?! NONE!!! Therefore, what thought process made you think that I of all people was ok with you saying such an offensive word?! I don't behave like the ghetto trash you see in Chocolate Cream, DawgPoundUSA, FlavaWorks, Pitbull, ThugOverload, etc.
A White boy watching Black guys in today's ethnic gay porn teaches him this stupid way of how to relate to Black males. Especially, if he comes from somewhere where Black guys are not as plentiful as they are here in NYC.
Well, may this message be a lesson to him and the quality of people he surrounds himself with. For with nigger being a mindset that racist Whites from slavery times tried to label Blacks with when it can actually pertain to any color, only niggers say "nigga".
Indicator, or Both
I went to The Cock for New Year's Eve. While my desire to observe and study sexual behavior hasn't diminish, after my incident with the stalker I had over the summer, I've been quite cautious in how long I stay in backrooms. But I ventured there that night. And there was a dark-haired White guy there who I kind of had my eye on since he fit my weakness for tall and slim guys. Besides my being shy, I wasn't sure how to approach him because he came in with someone, and I wasn't sure if the guy was his boyfriend, or just a platonic friend. That's the problem with 2 gay males being together. Unless they kiss, you're never sure if they together as friends, or together as lovers. For some couples consist of people so emotionally damaged that they don't give off a romantic energy.
Anyway, as the backroom action heated-up, this guy was back there getting his dick sucked. There was a fat Black guy there blocking my way to him. And he was annoying me at this point, not because he was in my way, as much as because he was just standing there doing nothing. My feeling is if you're going to be that close, damnit, do something. Finally, he did do something. He started going down on the guy. Then I got a turn, but this is where the trouble started.
The fat guy put his hand on my back as if to guide me on sucking the guy's dick. Did I just speak of this stupidity in my last "Sex Party Etiquette" blog post. So I shrugged him off of me. The lard-ass said with a ghetto sob voice, "Ahhh, don't be like dat."
I looked back at him and said, "I don't need your help." I went back to sucking on the guy, and then stopped. A couple of other guys did after me. After a short while, the guy moved and put his cock back in front of me. So I went back, and suck on him some more. And the lard-ass put his hand on me again. I shrugged him off me again, and tried to maintain my calm.
Because I was about to say, "Excuse me! But at what point did it begin to seem like I need your help on how to suck this guy's dick?! 1)I wrote the blog post on how to do it right, and 2)Evidently, I'm on point, because everytime someone sucks on him, this man is looking over at me to come back and do it again. And this is not the first time such a thing has happened. So back the fuck off!"
But it wasn't easy keeping that thought to myself. Especially when the lard-ass decided to be the stereotype shown in practically all ethnic gay porn video by saying, "Yeah, suck that dick, nigga!"
In hindisght, hearing him say that is what started the questions to make me pitch the discussion I'm having on February 1st. For I couldn't help but wonder...was he imitating gay porn by saying this? Or were these trashy ass pornos indicating stupidity like his? OR was it some combo of the 2? Whatever the case, someone in our society OK'd something to make him (and the guy in the 1st story) believe that this is how we Blacks and their playmates are to sexually interact with each other sexually. The problem is they are supposed to be a grown ass men. So at some point, they should have woke the fuck up and realized saying this word was wrong.
This is why after he said those words, I thought to myself, "No the fuck he didn't! Was he really enough of a nigger to say the word 'nigga' to me?" Not only is it a low class ass that tries to make it a term of endearment in the first place. Even worse is the fact that he said it in public...in front of a bunch of non-Blacks who can hear him just as well as me. And if I didn't react, they'll think that I'm just as much of a low class ass as he is. And they would be right. Hence why after his second time saying it, I stopped sucking the guy's cock, and gave him a side evil eye. Because I was just a step away from finding something to gut this whale.
YES, I was just. that. PISSED.
For as told in my previous story, I don't like the word "nigga" directed at me coming from anybody of any color, I don't care how much you define it as a term of endearment. I define it as a sign of you being a nigger yourself - someone uncouth and massively lacking in social skills . So again, regardless of your color or ethnic background, only niggers say "nigga".
So if any of you guys who try hitting me up online have the word "nigga" in your profile, or in your messages to me, then find me ignoring you, now you know why. It's because, you don't deserve the greatness that is me. You can call it "arrogant". Call it, "bougie" for all I care. The truth is unlike you, I'm being a man about mine, therefore it's people with a higher self-regard who I choose as deserving of being in my circle. Thank you.
LeNair this is such a powerful and necessary statement about this word I also hate so much I stopped watching Lincoln with my cousin in Philly last night they used it so often! Racism is our deepest wound in this so-called melting pot and even for a black person to use it is as bad as internalized homophobia in gay men! It's internalized racism. It's what people in my field used to call identification with the aggressor that is worth studying in our all too common perversely hostile interactions sexual and nonsexual alike!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you totally. But as a Caucasian I don't understand why black rap music is full of the "N" word. For me it should either be acceptable for everyone to use regardless of race or unacceptable for everyone to use it regardless of race. Rap groups seem to have a double standard that's it's okay for blacks to use it, but no one else. So by using it by any group, it is kept alive through currant usage and will never die out. It seems to me that blacks really want the "N" word to continue to exist. I never use it. If no one used it, then it would eventually be a word that is no longer used in English. A good example is the word "pilch" -Latin -pellis- "a skin" which is "a furred gown or case; something lined with fur."[Not used.] Chaucer. Shakesphere. [Webster,Noah. An American Dictionary of the English Language. Revised and Enlarged. George and Charles Merriam. 1852]The current dictionaries that I consulted did not contain this word. Why? Because no one uses it any more.
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