The "Are You Clean?" Challenge

It has been 12 years since I came out to myself and have been sexually active. And one question that has bothered me for damn near all of those 12 years is the question, "Are you clean?"

My annoyance with this question started with my sexual encounter that I told in a blog post I wrote for Men of Color Blog 3 years ago entitled "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". Since that incident happened back in 2003, that means that I've been carrying around this annoyance without publicly addressing it for over a decade now.

What makes me feel the need to address it now is because of the disrespect I feel when asked that question. My feeling is that whether you are HIV- or HIV+, if someone asks you, "Are you clean?", as long as you have done the 3 S's (shit, showered, and shaved), then you have every right to answer with a "yes", and should feel no shame about it. For if they can disrespectfully word a question, they don't deserve the answer they are actually fishing for so they can claim a false sense of sexual superiority.

I've come to realize, especially at this point in this stage of HIV's history, if you are using condom, there is no need to even ask someone's HIV/STI status. It's like if 2 straight people hook-up, if there's to be condom use, a woman doesn't ask a man if he has sperm in his semen, a man doesn't ask a woman if she has eggs, and neither ask "Are you clean?". Why? Because the need to ask those questions were alleviated when the 2 of them decided to use a condom, and/or some other contraception. So if any such question is asked, then they shouldn't be fucking. And the same goes for a gay male. So for gay males to do so is another way where we become our own worst enemy. It says that we're so self-loathing that we see ourselves as the diseased freaks the conservative right wing has made us out to be. Furthermore, the idea of questioning status among casual sex partners was initiated when not as much was known about HIV, nor was it at its present level of being treatable. So to ask the question of status today is not for peace of mind. It's because our society has not evolved with the changing, but improving facts of HIV. Therefore, HIV+ people are still branded with a "scarlet letter". So people are looking for that aforementioned false sense of sexual superiority.

Also, while some are not using the word "clean" to mean HIV-, but instead using it to mean "STI-free", it makes no difference. You are still on that same search for fake sexual superiority.

With all that said, I am including myself in those guilty parties back in 2003 in the hook-up from "Solving Enigmas From The Stigma". I had 100% intention of using a condom like I actually did anyway. So there was no reason for me to even ask him his status. My asking was not to seek a feeling of superiority. It was instead out of my own selfish curiosity of coming face-to-face with an HIV+ person, which in a way made him a social guinea pig for my personal experiment. But I was new to the art of hooking up at the time, and have since matured. So for that, if I could see him today, or if he's reading this, I wholeheartedly apologize.

The question of HIV status is a question to demand when you are going into a relationship, or if you plan to play bareback. However, even playing bareback, guys lie. It can be because unless you got a test immediately before fucking, you don't truly know, or it can be out of sheer maliciousness. For there are many HIV+ people who are at peace with their HIV status, take their medication so they have undetectable viral loads, and take care of themselves enough that if you play bareback with them, you are at less risk of HIV or any STI than you would be with someone claiming to be negative. Meanwhile, there are other HIV+ people who are not on medication, and such refusal makes their viral load through the roof. So in their misery, seek to infect others by lying about their status when asked.

Why did I say "disrespectful wording" earlier? It's because that's exactly what it is. For let's examine who usually uses the word "clean" to mean HIV- and/or STI-free:

a)people with racial hang-ups;
b)who do drugs, but if HIV-, have been lucky thus far;
c)alcoholics;
d)people whose claimed sexual taste are based on porn-induced age and racial roles;
e)someone who is possibly married, therefore cheating.
and the most common of them all,
f)someone you meet for a hook-up at a bar/club, sex party, online, or for some other outing for that becomes a one-night stand who easily for no good reason, acts like the sex never happened;

And the list of fucked-up mindsets goes on and on. My point is...that while you may be HIV-, while you may be STI-free, calling yourself "clean" does not compensate for the fact that because of you practicing one or more of those things that make you call a guy "clean", your soul obviously is NOT clean. So the words "Are you clean?" is a means for such HIV- guys to feel a false sense of sexual superiority when they actually are not only no better, but may actually be worse due to a void in their humanity. For sex, and your mind are very much intertwined. That's why it has long been said that the brain is the greatest sex organ.
 
Let me be clear, that a one-night stand does not have to become a date. However, unless you accept that downtrodden logic that says "that's what men do", you'll never realize that any person who dismisses you without reason after they've shared their body with you has that massive void in their humanity. And I say this as someone who has some of the guys I've written sexcapade blog posts about still on my Facebook friends list, and still chat with from time to time.

Now, back to the original point of this post. Those still desperate to feel sexually superior and hate on HIV+ people have completely ignored what I said in the beginning of this post of how long I've felt this way, and will try twisting my viewpoint to mean that it I at some point became HIV+ as well. Well, considering how my position on this matter started with me as a newly sexually active HIV- person, whether or not I've maintained that HIV- status is relevant only to my suitor(s), but irrelevant to you. For if I am HIV-, then that means I have a degree of compassion that makes me more humane than you. And if I am HIV+, then that means I'm now in a position to practice publicly what I've preached privately for over a decade. So either way, I have nothing to be ashamed of. But since being "superior" is your goal by using the phrase "are you clean?", you however are still a total failure at being superior, regardless.

There is so much in-fighting within the gay community that needs to stop. If it's not ageism, it's racism, and if it's not racism, it's sexism. All of it makes our community as a whole continue the chain of oppression started from the conservative right wing for centuries. Well, we need to catch up with the times, and give one another the love and acceptance that gay media keeps demanding from the conservative right wing.

In short, again I say,...PRACTICE WHAT WE PREACH...Don't you think?

7 Things I Never Thought I’d Say, But Have Since Working At The Pleasure Chest

Since I started working at The Pleasure Chest last summer, I've been finding myself having to take back a few things. Things that I've always told myself that I would never try,....I either have tried them, or I'm definitely considering it. And in some cases, there are things I never thought about at all. So here's a list of 7 things to make my list of things I never thought I'd say, but have since working at The Pleasure Chest:

1)I'd let a guy spank me with that paddle.
Well, they say it's the thought that counts. So while my ass isn't light enough for a spank from this paddle to really show, the more I looked at this Impressions Paddle from Sportsheets, I did get turned on by the thought of a hot guy spanking the word LOVE on my ass cheeks.
Because as my past trysts have shown me, he will be showing nothing but love for my ass when he's pounding away at it. Primarily due to the fact that I keep it in great shape - outside and in.
The paddle in the picture is a damaged out one from work that has lost its firmness. Since I have met a few kinky bottoms, maybe I'll try it out on one of them to see if it can still make its mark. If not, it might be another sex accessory for me to invest in.
2)I want to try being fucked while tied to the bed.

I don't have to go much into this. Since I recently posted my poem "Blind Fuck Mind Fuck 5" on here. And even though that's a fantasy of me being gangbanged by 5 guys, I still like the idea of a 1-on-1. Because as a self-proclaimed self-control freak, once in a blue moon, I like having those instances where I give up control. And working at The Pleasure Chest seeing so many options has made me more open to exploring that part of myself. 
3)I want to cum in something....Where's my Flip Hole?

Since I got the Tenga Flip Hole that I reviewed in my 1st (and only so far) Nude Dude Review, I have had moments where my hand is no longer enough. On occasion, I now want something else to wrap around my dick and shoot my load into, and my tight Tenga Flip Hole does the trick.
And it's not my only masturbation toy. I also have a Maven by Vibratex, which you might recall me making an Instagram video showing you the inside of it. So obviously, I've been keeping around some options. Which leads me to.... 
4) I'm needing a toy chest for my sex toys.
At first, the only sex toy I owned were a few Fleshlight that I've given away over the years at porn-related events and the Clone-A-Willy dildo that I used in "Tre Xavier Fucks Himself". The Fleshlights were always thrown behind my bed, and the Clone-A-Willy wound up God only knows where in my bedroom most often found when I was about to move with the cut-rate silicone smelling. So both were rarely touched enough for me to invest in anything to preserve them. However, as my list of sex toys keep growing, I'm starting to need to look into something to put them in----because I personally desire preserving them.
5)I own a packer,....and I want more.
For those who don't know, a packer is often worn by a female to male transgender person to create the bulge a penis. Well recently, we received these packers from New York Toy Collective that looks and feels so real, that I had to have one. I can't do anything with it except touch and look at it, and occasionally stroke it to feel like I'm touching a flaccid uncut dick.

And yes, you read correct. I said "uncut". 

And besides the variety of colors, that's why I want more. Because I find the human male penis to be one of God's greatest artistic endeavors when he created the human male, and I want the variety of colors and degrees of circumcision around me as much as I can have it.
6)Which Aneros prostate massager should I used tonight?

In case you missed me telling it, or simply don't follow me on other social media, then you don't know that as a birthday present, my co-workers at The Pleasure Chest gave me a box of not 1, but 4 different Aneros prostate massagers and vibrator.

Now, if you've followed this blog for any length of time, then you know that I've realized guys to be so dumb in allowing themselves to be influenced by porn, instead of being individual thinkers and recognizing that your rectum is a made of flesh, that they go fingering with such unhealthy aggression that I HATED anything in my ass besides a cock. So at first, when given this gift by my co-workers, I appreicated the thought. Then I relaized that the playing with these massagers would be on my terms, so I might have fun with them after all. And so far I have.

For I normally don't ejaculate with something in my ass. Not even a dick I'm enjoying immensely. Well, it has happened each time I've played with one of these massagers. And I've tried 2 of the 4 so far. 
7. I want to try that dildo!
After what I said in #6 about my experience with guys and ass play, this is why I saved this for last. For this is the biggest shocker. Especially when you add to it a memory of what to some degree could be subconsciously a traumatic experience.

The first guy I was seeing after coming out said that we were going to have to try a dildo or something on me because I was too tight for him. This was the 1st sign that his stereotypical Latino domineering attitude was going to make us not last long. For while I was new to everything from being out, to having sex, even dating, I was nearing 31 years old, so I had better be in control of my body. Therefore, allow no guy to dictate to me what was going in my body solely for his pleasure. I don't care if he was 8 feet tall, but damn sure not some Napoleonic mother fucker like him being only about 5'3" to my 5'6"! So with hindsight being 20/20, I think the thought of dildos has always brought forth that memory of someone trying to claim ownership over my body that they should not have.

Well, imagine my surprise that the urge to have a VixSkin Goodfella took over to the point of me finally buying one. 

As to whether or not I've enjoyed it, I'll keep that under wraps for now. For it might be my next Nude Dude Review. ;-)

Why I Won't Be A Gay Party Promoter

Gay nightlife is a big part of the gay experience. A part of the gay experience that after my various posts about what's wrong with gay nightlife, such as the massive degree of segregation, it has been suggested that I throw my name in the game as a promoter.

Over the years, I have repeatedly thought about it. And call me arrogant, but I know I have what it takes to make and sell a great party in gay nightlife. I love to see people loving good music and dancing. Also, since sex definitely sells in gay nightlife, if you add to that how many guys have ventured to (or avoided) certain sex parties because of this blog over the years, then I've definitely got that part covered. For the reputation of this blog shows that I can sell sex so good that a monk or nun forced to wear a metal chastity belt will chew it off if their master refuses to give them the key. Just so they can get a little taste of sex. ;-)

However, with all of that, me as a party promoter won't be happening any time soon as far as I can see. For I am realizing that I am overqualified.

The reason I'm overqualified is because I'm not flaky. Flaky, like I've repeatedly observed one or more of the links in the chain to make a gay nightlife party come to fruition. Be it the bar/club owner, party promoter, DJs, bartenders, or go-go boys. One or more of these parties have shown themselves to be so damn flaky that the idea of working in gay nightlife as a promoter gives me a headache before any meeting has even been set up.

I've bordered on experiencing enough headaches seeing a pulchritude of go-go boys flake out on their responsibilities. So if you try to tell me that I'm wrong, then you're only telling a lie to convince yourself. For there's too much proof of my viewpoint by what happens here at NYC gay parties alone. I present to you Exhibits:

A)How many times does a party that is doing some degree well, suddenly stop? Only to be replaced by either no party at all, or a party from a friend of the venue owner;
B)How many times are we promised certain names and faces of go-go boys, only for the roster to change at the last minute? Sometimes it's the promoter's fault. Sometimes it the go-go boy's.
C)How many times are we promised a certain number of go-go boys, only for the actual number to be less than promised? OR it's more than expected, but STILL so damn White that the claim all of these promoters make of their parties being "all-inclusive" is proven to be ONE BIG DAMN LIE!!! Therefore, too white to be representive of not just NYC, but America overall.
With scenarios such as these, it seems the most stable and reliable links in the chain of gay nightlife parties are the DJs, bartenders, and maybe the doorperson.

Now, let's say that all of these people were not flaky as I have seen thus far. My answer remains the same. For I have seen too many nightlife parties where the things that cause fault-lines in our community are practiced on a regular basis. The 3 "-isms" known as "racism", "ageism", and "sexism", and let us not forget prostitution.

Like I said before, selling sex is a big part of gay nightlife. However, selling it on an intellectual level is not entertained much, if at all. Instead, it is often in conjunction with porn-induced stigmas and stereotypes. Hence why porn actors are often used to lure people in. But because of what I know of the usual porn actor mindset from my time in the porn industry, I can't in good conscience subject a porn actor to that. For just because they'll easily agree to be demeaned in their desperation for validation, that doesn't mean I should take advantage of it. Especially, when porn producers, directors, and other party promoters have misled them so far from logic that they are blind to realizing any better. For instance, nowadays when I go to gay nightlife parties and there's a porn actor advertised as an attraction, the porn actor is either too often non-reactionary to being touched, feels so entitled that he doesn't really work, exemplifies every wrong move I addressed in "Go-Go Boy Etiquette...Lacking" (like racism and unjustified preferential treatment of patrons), or a combination of 1 or more of the aforementioned. With that being the case, do I really want to lend my name to this? For one, it would be hypocritical of everything I stand for in addressing sexuality.

For the slogan of this blog is "Still seeing beneath the surface of all we've been told about sex, life & love". And the "LeNair Xavier" brand is about more than just sex, life & love on the surface. It's also (maybe even more so) about sex, life & love below the surface. The mental & emotional motivations to do what we do, as well as the mental & emotional tolls those actions take in the long run. Which means for starters, eradicating stereotypes based on race/ethnicity. Something too many people in nightlife are aware of, but are too interested in the idea of racist White (and not multi-colored) money that they don't put in the effort to make that much needed change come about. Hence why some of my Facebook friends and Twitter followers who are in nightlife are a case of "keeping your friends close, but keep your enemies closer". Meanwhile, others have unfriended me because I spoke a truth about their pimping and/or prostituting ways that was too much truth for them to handle, so their cowardice in facing it made them do a cyber-run by unfriending me.

The problem is that most of gay nightlife is about sex and life on the surface. Without love never factoring in at all. Not even love for oneself, or thy fellow man. Lust definitely, but not love.

If love (especially for thy fellow man) factored in at all, then the blatant racism, and catering to the racist White/light aesthetic would not be the under-discussed plague that it is in the multi-colored, multi-ethnic mecca that is my hometown of New York City, or this country. And it is a waste of good energy to fight it by trying to create a party when it has been shown in this city (among others) that the maturity level of our community as a whole is not ready for the unity in color and ethnicities that I want to offer, or should exist.

It is for this reason, I have decided to instead let my aspirations for a better us make me focus my energy elsewhere. Using my talents to bring the issue to your attention, and let you do with the information what you will. Instead of allowing you to repeatedly miss the much needed message of unity, by serving you alcohol, which can blind you to the truth that you desperately need to see and hear.

 

So I'll try to get my bar/club night filled up when we as a whole do better.