HIM and the backstory

      Ryan Driller     William Corazon       Richie Black        Wolf Hudson

If you're gay and don't know those names, maybe these gay porn actor names will sound familiar:
   Jeremy Bilding           Kevin Crows        Spencer Jones        Wolf Hudson

The reason why you might not have known the first names I mentioned is because in that order, those are the names they now use in their "work" as straight porn actors. For the record, let it be known that I don't know which orientation all of these guys define themselves as. However, based on the videos and tweets I've come across, most (if not all) define as "straight". Not to mention (with the exception of Wolf Hudson) the seeming "need" to change their porn name as they go to straight porn. It sounds like Escapism 101 in an era where escapism is futile.

For while I no longer follow porn like I used to, I discovered Richie Black's gay porn past with Randy Blue merely by chance. But in regards to his orientation, the video proof is there to show that he is in some level of denial regardless of how 100% straight his recent porn and tweets portray him to be.

I have made no secret of my dislike of the "gay-for-pay" porn genre, and my lack of respect for the performers and producers that hire them like Michael Lucas, Chi Chi LaRue, Jake Cruise, Chris Steele of Jet Set Men, as well as Lovari and the producers of Latino Fan Club. To the point that I have locked horns via porn blogs and Twitter with some of the performers and producers from that list. However, that does not change the fact that being the lustful creature many of us are that we still fantasize about "what if". And if the opportunity to be with such a guy presented itself that we just might go through with it.

That's where the poem "HIM" that I recently debuted at Titillating Tongues comes in.

When something does not add up properly, I demand answers. So as a member of free society, a male having sex with a male yet calling himself 100% heterosexual is such a situation in which I will demand answers. And no matter how in lust I am, if his answers are not to my liking, then we will not proceed with our mutual lust turning into a tryst. For as long as you're lying to yourself, you will NEVER be man enough to have me give your dick and/or ass THE FUCK OF ITS LIFE in reality.

I've worked long and hard on myself to learn, then become honest about my sexual orientation, so there's no confusion for anyone to get caught up in. So after my self-discovery of my being a predominately gay bisexual, I will only respect and give the prize that is my body to those who have done the same with their orientation with no actions to dispute their claim. Therefore with a guy that means him honestly admitting to where he falls in the bisexuality (or homosexuality) spectrum.

Pornstar's Cry

In my days of doing porn, I don't know was it that way for all gay porn performers at the time, or was it just me being the rare individual I was in the industry, but I've come to realize that for live appearances, I gave off the vibe that said, "This is my personal space, and that is yours." Much like females in the industry at in-person appearances.

This realization came to me because based on the undisciplined behavior of patrons, with today's gay porn actors/go-go boys I don't see that rule of personal space given by them in vibes or words at live events. Maybe it has always been that way, but because of my individuality that eventually made me leave the porn industry I was blind to how many gay porn actors and go-go boys just act aloof to being touched, groped, and even fingered. But try that with a porn actress at a straight porn event or a straight guy's strip club, and that male patron is out on his ass. What's even worse is how I've seen some party promoters incite this violating behavior from the patrons and tolerance from the porn actors/go-go boys. It's really sad to see that this is what we are doing to our own. Then we wonder why porn actors kill themselves swiftly or slowly by abuse of drugs and alcohol. It's partly because the people who should be looking out for their mental and physical well-being at these appearances are either refusing to do so, or are unaware of the psyche of a porn actor to do so.
 
Recently at a bar event where a gay pornstar was promoted as one of the go-go boys dancing, there came a point when the pornstar was just standing there for I guess a time-out. A crowd of guys started to form around him. These guys all then started rubbing and groping him. The desperation of these patrons was sickening to watch. A friend I was talking to who also saw this pointed out how aloof the pornstar seemed to be to these guys crowding around and groping him. We were at a distance at the time, so I went in closer to be sure if what I was seeing from a distance was actually what was truly happening. And sadly I must say, that's when I saw it. To him, it was like none of us were there. The even sadder part is...neither was he.

In seeing this, my fascination with the human psyche was compounded with concern. For I began to wonder what must be going on in this porn actor's mind to allow this to happen to him. And I thought about what sadness this must bring. Sadness that it's not "politically correct" for porn fans to concern themselves with. To think no one cares about how he feels. Simply because you're a "pornstar". Well with my porn past, I've been there to some extent. So then and now, I gave off the vibe and/or words to show ownership of my space. Namely, my body. To make sure that feeling had an end. So with that came the poem:

How did I get here?

Was it a desperation for validation?

Was it my curiosity about being in a voyeur’s view?

Or was it all of that plus a heartfelt mission

To help the sexually ambivalent find their truth

Whatever the case may be
I don’t like how I am now seen

But even worse is who I actually am

And that’s the most nightmarish dream

You can dismiss other’s opinion of you

But what if your soul’s mirror shows the same?

That is when it starts to hit you

That this path you chose is no game

I was led here by porn producers and you viewers

Giving me numerous pats on the back

As producers count their money, and you viewers beat your meat

I sensed it, but ignored a real fact
You want a fuck for my body & name

Not for my soul, heart, and damn sure not my brain!

Yet if I was to off myself one lonely night

You’d dare wonder how was I in such pain

Look at what you deem as making me worth living

My face?! My ass?! My dick?!

Nothing in between like my heart, or at the very top like my brain

On your part, that is sick!

I got my name on a flyer

And that takes me higher

But once it’s showtime, reality sets in

I get on the bar to go-go dance

And everyone wants a chance

To see if a romp with me, they’ll win

How many grimy, sweaty hands

From another desperate old man

Must I feel has soiled my soul with his touch?

So I take to your young handsome face

Who vies for a place

And while I play along, I don’t feel much

This world has killed my love of sex

So now every fuck is to regain the high

Adding drugs and booze, but I still lose

For all my soul can do is cry

I may orgasm, and shoot a load across the room

But I’ve been asked for so much

Joy over the feeling is doomed

For all my soul can do is cry

But it’s not “correct” for you to care

Instead, you let compassion hide

So no one dares to ask of all people

A pornstar,…what 
…they feel inside

Popper-Free Anal Sex

This past Saturday, I took part in a workshop presented by the NY Academy of Sex Ed called the Sex Educator Skill Share. It was a workshop for sex educators to better their skills as educators, and it was limited to 10 people. A big part of the requirement being that each person gave a 10-minute presentation, with every other member critiquing your presentation afterwards.

As for my topic, the topic I chose was brought on by my 1-on-1 and sex party trysts where my supposed playmate caused me headaches. Not knowing some of those headaches could have become fatal since I took an enhancement pill, which I later learned is not to be combined with what made a necessity for my topic...poppers. Hence why my topic was:

This was the outline that I followed for my presentation:

I. Intro 

   A. Warn audience of bluntness

         B.  Popper use – perceived necessity for anal play 
              1.   Introduced early after engaging in gay anal sex 
                    a.    Once was not in porn, now it is 
              2.   Straight couples popper use likely started by gay suggestion 
      II. 2 Powers to influence popper use
          A. Power of suggestion 
               1.   Told it makes anal sex easier 
               2.   Debunk it makes anal sex easier 
                     a. It’s HUFFING 
                        1. Question why tops and oral sex players use it 
                        2. Risking damage because brain not properly receiving messages

                        3. ANY action with such a risk of harm is WRONG

         B. Power of mind over matter 
              1. Tells of experiences proving poppers unnecessary 
              2. Tell components for popper-free anal sex 
                  a. Lube 
                  b. Desire 
                      1. Is your anal sex pleasure or a chore 
                  c. Deep breath 
                      1. Point out how this was discovered 
                      2. Suction makes it like a blow job pulling  him in for penetrate you
      III. Hope for strongly enforced laws, so more power of mind over matter must take effect

There were things that I forgot to put in the outline in some fashion, and due to nervousness forgot to address in my presentation. Once I realized that, it became apparent to me how I avoided the 1-minute warning finger being raised at me. Those things in the order as to where they should have been on the outline were: 

Risking brain damage - this is the reason your body won't properly receive messages of both pleasure and pain. But it also can over time hinder your common sense and other degrees of intellect.

Anal sex is not for everyone - some people have preexisting conditions that prevent them from having anal sex. So taking poppers to cover the pain with a huffing high from poppers is self-destructive.
Do you really want to be gangbanged? - I've witnessed many bottoms gangbanged at sex parties, but seldom (if ever) are they doing it the way I plan to if I ever get the gangbang I desire ---- without poppers. So this is sex as a tool for escapism.

My hopes with this 10-minute presentation is to make it a 2-hour presentation. Possibly for a lecture or workshop in the future. The Pleasure Chest is one place that comes to mind. I would expand on all of the points told and forgotten in the 10-minute presentation, as well as give definitions that I left out due to (once again) the time constraint. Definitions for words like "huffing" - a word that hasn't been used much since maybe the 1990's, and has been covered up more and more by the glorification of popper use.

So where will this go from here....Only time will tell. But be advised that putting in a word to make it happen does help. Thank you.