Pornstar's Cry

In my days of doing porn, I don't know was it that way for all gay porn performers at the time, or was it just me being the rare individual I was in the industry, but I've come to realize that for live appearances, I gave off the vibe that said, "This is my personal space, and that is yours." Much like females in the industry at in-person appearances.

This realization came to me because based on the undisciplined behavior of patrons, with today's gay porn actors/go-go boys I don't see that rule of personal space given by them in vibes or words at live events. Maybe it has always been that way, but because of my individuality that eventually made me leave the porn industry I was blind to how many gay porn actors and go-go boys just act aloof to being touched, groped, and even fingered. But try that with a porn actress at a straight porn event or a straight guy's strip club, and that male patron is out on his ass. What's even worse is how I've seen some party promoters incite this violating behavior from the patrons and tolerance from the porn actors/go-go boys. It's really sad to see that this is what we are doing to our own. Then we wonder why porn actors kill themselves swiftly or slowly by abuse of drugs and alcohol. It's partly because the people who should be looking out for their mental and physical well-being at these appearances are either refusing to do so, or are unaware of the psyche of a porn actor to do so.
 
Recently at a bar event where a gay pornstar was promoted as one of the go-go boys dancing, there came a point when the pornstar was just standing there for I guess a time-out. A crowd of guys started to form around him. These guys all then started rubbing and groping him. The desperation of these patrons was sickening to watch. A friend I was talking to who also saw this pointed out how aloof the pornstar seemed to be to these guys crowding around and groping him. We were at a distance at the time, so I went in closer to be sure if what I was seeing from a distance was actually what was truly happening. And sadly I must say, that's when I saw it. To him, it was like none of us were there. The even sadder part is...neither was he.

In seeing this, my fascination with the human psyche was compounded with concern. For I began to wonder what must be going on in this porn actor's mind to allow this to happen to him. And I thought about what sadness this must bring. Sadness that it's not "politically correct" for porn fans to concern themselves with. To think no one cares about how he feels. Simply because you're a "pornstar". Well with my porn past, I've been there to some extent. So then and now, I gave off the vibe and/or words to show ownership of my space. Namely, my body. To make sure that feeling had an end. So with that came the poem:

How did I get here?

Was it a desperation for validation?

Was it my curiosity about being in a voyeur’s view?

Or was it all of that plus a heartfelt mission

To help the sexually ambivalent find their truth

Whatever the case may be
I don’t like how I am now seen

But even worse is who I actually am

And that’s the most nightmarish dream

You can dismiss other’s opinion of you

But what if your soul’s mirror shows the same?

That is when it starts to hit you

That this path you chose is no game

I was led here by porn producers and you viewers

Giving me numerous pats on the back

As producers count their money, and you viewers beat your meat

I sensed it, but ignored a real fact
You want a fuck for my body & name

Not for my soul, heart, and damn sure not my brain!

Yet if I was to off myself one lonely night

You’d dare wonder how was I in such pain

Look at what you deem as making me worth living

My face?! My ass?! My dick?!

Nothing in between like my heart, or at the very top like my brain

On your part, that is sick!

I got my name on a flyer

And that takes me higher

But once it’s showtime, reality sets in

I get on the bar to go-go dance

And everyone wants a chance

To see if a romp with me, they’ll win

How many grimy, sweaty hands

From another desperate old man

Must I feel has soiled my soul with his touch?

So I take to your young handsome face

Who vies for a place

And while I play along, I don’t feel much

This world has killed my love of sex

So now every fuck is to regain the high

Adding drugs and booze, but I still lose

For all my soul can do is cry

I may orgasm, and shoot a load across the room

But I’ve been asked for so much

Joy over the feeling is doomed

For all my soul can do is cry

But it’s not “correct” for you to care

Instead, you let compassion hide

So no one dares to ask of all people

A pornstar,…what 
…they feel inside